/lit/ - Literature

i'm 18 and in my 2nd last year of high school and i'm so depressed. i just wish i had the motivation i had 2 years ago. back then i was hitting the gym, studying hard and getting straight As--just improving myself. now all i do is jack off to hentai and play video-games. i wish i could find some motivation--i don't care if it turns me into a total edgelord (i went through a pseudo-nietzschean/stirnerian phase and a tradcat phase), i just need a reason to struggle upwards. and as you can probably tell by my particular locutions, i'm turning into a fucking weirdo and my friends (who are mostly nerdy virgins [not unlike myself]) are ditching me in favour of less-sad normal people. normally i am very self conscious about saying these things in real life, but as this is 4chan and because i am (mostly) anonymous, i don't give 2 flying fucks about making cringeworthy shitposts. i don't really know why i'm posting here. maybe i just need an outlet; maybe i just want attention. in any case, i wish i could put a stop to my pointless anxiety and suffering and give some reason and actual worth to my superfluous, upper-middle class existence. i could go on ranting forever but i think the real reason i'm posting here is because i want someone to help me discover myself. i think its that curiosity that motivates me to post this here because i am simply not this open about my emotions in real life: i am too socially awkward and self-conscious to even attempt it, the patronising, smiling repercussions notwithstanding. this sentence here ends a narcissist's shitty stream-of-consciousness.

tldr: someone help me with my issues