/lit/ - Literature

>be me
>be a 27 year old ugly beta loser nofriends autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to pub, club, or party
>woke up at 9 am
>extremely hot and sunny day in London
>browsed internet then went jogging
>left flat at noon to go in to central London to walk around and feel sad about life
>became quicky demoralised after seeing tens of Staceys and qts who see me as a disgusting subhuman
>went to the library
>drank coffee but didn't even gain the usual aimless, energetic optimism
>walked through Hyde Park while seeing 6 gorillion Chad and Stacey couples while feeling like a disgusting slug
>walked through green park, picadilly, white hall, and then got bored and went back to my flat, not knowing how to spend the rest of the day
>ate some food but still feel demoralised

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't have One Last Binge(tm)?

I went outside ("bro!!!") but my 20s didn't spontaneously stop feeling wasted. I just felt like a loser.

Being ugly is a social death sentence. Being an introverted autist non-posh person is a professional death sentence. I can't bear to do productive things when I know that Chads and women get everything handed to them. I can't bear to follow my own interests when the pseuds are out to criticise me.

>be me
>be a 27 year old ugly beta loser nofriends autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to pub, club, or party
>wake up at 9 am
>hot and sunny day in London
>browse internet on phone then read a book while sitting in my flat and drinking coffee
>everything-stential crisis is flaring up badly
>go jogging
>decided not to go in to work today
>go in to central London and walk about and browse 2 libraries to see more books I feel bad about not reading (and dread reading because they seem boring)
>obviously seeing Staceys everywhere was demoralising
>walk through Notting hill area, seeing rich hipsters living their idyllic lives
>spend barely any time outside before becoming bored and hungry so go back to flat (feeling sad outside feels worse when I know everyone is at work)
>eat and waste time on the internet
>go through vector calculus sections of engineering mathematics textbook to feel like less of a pleb and find it so fucking boring and pointless
>8 pm and now going in to central London to drink coffee and feel sad about life

Today's good: I've avoided junk food for 3 days and it will be over 20 celsius tomorrow, so I won't feel bloated and fat during the heat.

Today's bad: I feel guilty for not reading shitloads of boring as fuck books and learning lots of boring stuff. I'm not even reading my current book (non-famous book about Romans) due to enjoyment. I simply can't bear to do what interests me. This guilt is with me every day and it's worse today for some reason.

Fun Londonfrog facts:

Despite going to the gym I never do arm isolation in case someone looks at me and thinks I'm deluded and pathetic enough to lift for girls when I'm ugly.

I never go outside in jeans and a white t-shirt together for a similar reason as above ("he's too ugly to dress like a Chad")

I feel so fucking crushed under the weight of needing the minimun pseud cred.

I feel like there are 500 books and many academic topics I have to read or learn before I can do what I enjoy.

I'm reading a book about the Romans right now which I see as not pseudy enough to count as one of the entry level books.

>be me
>be a 27 year old ugly beta loser nofriends autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to pub, club, or party
>wake up at 9 am
>browse internet on phone then read a book about Romans
>have coffee in flat then go to gym
>feel fat but haven't had junk food in two days and workout was ok despite being too tired to lift heavy
>as soon as I left my flat during daytime for the first time since Saturday I felt this surge of pessimism as the image of a blonde Stacey sitting outside during summer with her cool Chad and Stacey friends (like the "cool" kids in school) came to mind and I realised that I am too ugly and loserish (beta demeanour, quiet, shy, lacking in normie interests and etiquette; but it's mostly ugliness) to be accepted by society and it's too late
>realise that spending summer indoors will be my best course of action (doing productive stuff instead of walking around outside, feeling sad like the past year, including last summer)
>leave for work at 4:45 pm and get back to flat by about 6 (decided not to go in to work tomorrow because I left so late today)
>started reading technological slavery on my phone during commuters (recently read Skin in the Game and I'm an empty suit; recently read Atlas Shrugged which I borrowed from the library)
>had read parts of it before but the parts about the lack of power process fulfillment and oversocialisation were painfully true and I'm not a leftist
>wasted 3 hours in evening by eating and browsing internet
>going in to central London at 9 pm to have coffee and feel less alone
>will be my final coffee except maybe tomorrow and possibly other days

>be me
>be a 27 year old ugly beta loser nofriends autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to pub, club, or party
>wake up at 10 am, feeling tired and fat because of yesterday's binge
>drink coffee in flat and browse internet for 2 hours
>go running (and bodyweight exercises and stretching) and feel a lot better
>return atlas shrugged to library then borrow two more books that are actually interesting
>it's hot and sunny as fuck and I have traumatic flashbacks of last year's lonely summer in London
>Staceys everywhere, which is demoralising as fuck as a disgusting subhuman
>go to British museum
>leave after 5 minutes because I saw "A Very Short Introduction to..." books in the shop and realise how pseudointellectual the entire place is and how I had to leave immediately- not sure if I will go back
>walk around a bit and then go to Shoreditch (hipster capital of Europe, maybe the world)
>place is crawling with young Chads and Staceys in the absolute primes of their lives
>feel like an ugly freak and make an effort not to look at anyone in case I see their look of disgust
>walk away to underground station and see the nightclubbers at 6 pm, with groups of women getting ready to go Chad hunting and groups of loud ladzz that all women love
>ate at McDonalds then binged on junk food at homd
>have little amount of money in bank account but parents haven't called me in a while so I can ask them for money later without guilt

I want to emphasise again how demoralising it is to be an ugly blackpilled loser on a sunny day. I don't see any major incentive to do anything.

>be me
>be a 27 year old ugly beta loser nofriends autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to pub, club, or party
>wake up at 10 am, feeling tired and fat because of yesterday's binge
>drink coffee in flat and browse internet for 2 hours
>go running (and bodyweight exercises and stretching) and feel a lot better
>return atlas shrugged to library then borrow two more books that are actually interesting
>it's hot and sunny as fuck and I have traumatic flashbacks of last year's lonely summer in London
>Staceys everywhere, which is demoralising as fuck as a disgusting subhuman
>go to British museum
>leave after 5 minutes because I saw "A Very Short Introduction to..." books in the shop and realise how pseudointellectual the entire place is and how I had to leave immediately- not sure if I will go back
>walk around a bit and then go to Shoreditch (hipster capital of Europe, maybe the world)
>place is crawling with young Chads and Staceys in the absolute primes of their lives
>feel like an ugly freak and make an effort not to look at anyone in case I see their look of disgust
>walk away to underground station and see the nightclubbers at 6 pm, with groups of women getting ready to go Chad hunting and groups of loud ladzz that all women love
>will go to Mcdonalds then back to my flat to do I don't know what
>have little amount of money in bank account but parents haven't called me in a while so I can ask them for money later without guilt

I want to emphasise again how demoralising it is to be an ugly blackpilled loser on a sunny day. I don't see any major incentive to do anything.

>left my flat at 5 pm to go in to my full time job
>checked my emails at work then went straight home
>it was rush hour and the underground was packed with Staceys who see me as a disgusting subhuman; realise that if my job required work this would be hell
>at home, waiting for stuff to cook in the oven; avoided junk food mainly due to low bank balance rather than willpower
>intended to read atlas shrugged as I wait but it's a bit boring so here I am

>be me
>be a 27 year old ugly beta loser nofriends autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to pub, club, or party
>wake up at noon
>clean my room but gain no existential benefits
>sat and drank coffee in my flat for almost 3 hours while browsing internet on my phone
>went running, which felt good
>left my flat at 5 pm to go in to my full time job (will likely just check my emails then go straight home)
>it's rush hour and the underground is packed with Staceys who see me as a disgusting subhuman; realise that if my job required work this would be hell

>have a complete failure of will to do anything: productive, intellectual, or neither; sitting in my small flat makes this clear

>be me
>be a 27 year old ugly beta loser nofriends autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to pub, club, or party
>wake up at noon
>clean my room but gain no existential benefits
>sat and drank coffee in my flat for almost 2 hours while browsing internet on my phone
>plan to go running then go to my full time job but don't have any idea what to do afterwards
>when I got home yesterday I binged on junk food out of habit
>have a complete failure of will to do anything: productive, intellectual, or neither; sitting in my small flat makes this clear

>be me
>be a 27 year old ugly beta loser nofriends autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to pub, club, or party
>wake up at 10 am
>go back to sleep for 2 more hours
>go to gym
>left flat at 3 pm to go to my full time job which I stay at for 30 minutes
>currently drinking coffee in central London

I'm utterly lacking the motivation to do anything. I feel like I have to learn more maths (basic university undergrad stuff) or else I'm a pleb. I feel like I need to read lots of boring old books or else I'll be seen as a pleb. I don't have the balls to just do what I want, though I have no productive interests (reading doesn't count, it is a consumercuck activity).

I feel constant guilt about everything I do, don't do, and how I do it. I feel cucked (i.e. like a sucker) when I work hard or waste my time. I couldn't lecture about any subject for more than 20 minutes despite all my reading. I had no interest in my degree and no interest in any job I've ever had.

I don't have the energy or motivation, or whatever it is called, to do anything. There is a huge morale barrier too. Why do anything when Chad and Stacey (and all women) get everything handed to them? I should spend all my evenings learning programming so I can get a better job (which is hard because I'm not posh or extroverted) and do pointless shit while being treated like I have contagious cancer because I'm not posh or extroverted? What's the point? If you're not on the Oxbridge to high finance / law / management consulting track then you're fucked.

Being ugly means I have life on hard mode. Seeing Staceys everywhere who find me disgusting is demoralising. Binging on junk food is my only solace. Coffee gives me an aimless rush of energy. My main hobby, apart from browsing the internet, is walking around outside, hoping that my youth spontaneously stops feeling wasted. Seeing younger people makes me feel like subhuman shit with no hope.

>be me
>be 27 year old ugly beta loser blackpilled nofriends autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to pub, club, or party
>no passions in life, everything feels like work
>wake up at 10 am
>browse internet a little then read atlas shrugged for about 30 pages but find it so fucking boring
>go to gym and lifting goes well but when I get home I realise that over two weeks of binging on junk food or fast food or both has taken its toll
>go to work and leave after 30 minutes; realise how pathetic I am or not taking advantage of an extra 7.5 hours per day compared to someone unluckier than me
>currently drinking coffee in central London while feeling sad about life
>find atlas shrugged so fucking boring but I'm only reading it for the pseud cred
>suddenly realise there are lots of other boring books I feel like I need to read for the pseud cred
>have no idea how to spend my time at home; feel like I need to learn more maths or else I'm dumb; feel like I need to go through SICP or else I'm dumb; everything feels like work

I feel mentally imprisoned. I simply don't have the ability to relax and do what I want. Even if I do something, I am cucked by Taylorism and feel guilty about how I do it. I always feel bad for not working for 10 hours on a row on one thing or not filling my day with multiple things. This is banal shit but it tortures me.

I have a full time job which miraculously requires almost nothing of me. I moved out and live in London due to it. I should feel lucky but I haven't enjoyed myself at all.

And of course being ugly and blackpilled means I know I have nothing to look forward to in terms of my social and professional life. I am not part of the normie hivemind. Every job interview and job requires you to be a clone who acts happy. I'm the most miserable person I've seen.

My only solace is junk food and fast food but I have to stop because they rape my bank balance. Nothing healthy is tasty.

>wake up
>continue reading atlas shrugged for the pseud cred while finding it so boring and dreading all the other stuff I have to read for the pseud cred
>only read about 30 pages to the end of a chapter and I'm bored as fuck

It's so boring. So many books are so fucking boring and I have to read them for the pseud cred

>be me
>be a 27 year old ugly beta loser nofriends autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to pub, club, or party
>after weeks of procrastinating instead of doing anything productive I spent 30 minutes during the early morning learning maths
>wasn't tortuous like I expected
>wake up at 9.30 am
>read 30 pages of Atlas Shrugged which was boring as fuck but feel relieved when I realise I have 300 pages left instead of 360
>feel pathetic because I don't have the balls to just give up on it (the pseuds would persecute me if I did)
>skip the gym because of tiredness
>eat a healthy meal at home instead of junk food for the first time in over two weeks
>have job interview for part time weekend job (have full time job which requires almost no effort but pay too much for rent, junk food, and coffee)
>don't go because of laziness and feeling pathetic about working minimum wage job
>leave flat to go in to central London to walk around, feel sad about life, and drink coffee
>feel like walking through the scenes of yesterday's trauma
>go to Whitechapel and walk through Whitechapel road
>go afterwards to Shoreditch, expecting a similarly empty place
>still teeming with hipster Chads and Staceys in the prime of their lives
>walked around, feeling like a shitty stain but it was raining so I could hide in my jacket
>left after a short time with nothing to do, just walked a bit
>currently drinking coffee
>will maybe mark my future frugality, healthy eating, and hard work with a final binge when I go back to my flat

>be me
>be a 27 year old ugly beta loser nofriends autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to pub, club, or party
>wake up at 10 am
>read atlas shrugged for 60 pages
>go running then leave my flat to go in to central London on a hot day
>go to the library and see a surprising amount of interesting fiction- realise how much of a post-modern fiction bubble /lit/ is
>see that the nicomachean Ethics is only 200 pages- should be a quick source of pseud cred
>walk to south Kensington station and realise the Staceys / Chad-Stacey couples are officially out in force due to the heat and a demoralising summer awaits
>randomly go to Whitechapel
>leave station and decline a Muslim leaflet; turn right and see lots of market stalls and Arabic music playing; go back in to station
>go to Shoreditch high Street
>the place is TEEMING with young people in the primes of their lives
>felt like an ugly shitty stain
>make myself walk through brick lane and nearby for the catharsis that will hopefully finally stop the false hope that "jus going outside bro!" will spontaneously stop me feeling like my 20s were wasted
>felt more excruciatingly pathetic than any time in London, even last summer at the Notting hill carnival
>Staceys, attractive upper class yuppies, smug probably property rich 40s hipsters revisiting their fun youths everywhere
>couldn't keep my gaze at head level (looked at the store signs) in case I saw a girl's look of disgust
>nothing left today except the Saturday McDonalds-coffee-lonely self loathing circuit

Other stuff I feel sad about right now:

>have job interview for weekend job tomorrow that isn't customer or kitchen work
>need the money but feel sad for not being a self-taught programmer / bitcoin thousandaire who makes money through their own initiative instead of wagecucking
>waste my weekends but working still feels like shit

I felt bad for only reading 60 pages of a book instead of more pages in a sitting. But I know I feel guilty for reading at all because it's a consumercuck activity. I feel bad for not learning maths in my spare time. I feel bad for not doing practical programming stuff and doing it in a self taught way without going through many tutorials like a docile pleb taught to be docile and lacking in initiative through formal education. But I would feel guilty for programming without going through SICP first. I feel guilty for reading only one book at a time but I felt guilty when in the middle of multiple. I literally don't have the balls to do what I want.

>be me
>be 27 year old ugly beta loser loner autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to a pub, club, or party
>everything feels like work

I'm living the literary lifestyle of the old fashioned city gentleman with almost no responsibilities. My existential torment and ennui is profound and picturesque. But it is still torment and ennui.

Two years ago I had a part time job while living with my parents and I would waste all my free time on the internet and driving aimlessly around my not so famous city.

Now everything is more scenic and not even Oxford poster can compete, though he is a faks. My job requires almost no effort or time at the office. I am in a dead end bureaucrat job in the middle of London. It looks respectable on my CV but is really worthless. I live paycheck to paycheck though I pay too much for rent and waste a lot on junk food (the literary case for McDonalds and Ben and Jerry's as a temporary cure for existential angst is unexplored). Wearing a suit during some weekday hours makes me feel like my suffering has merit because I look like I should be busy (not the pathetic retailcuck uniform of the past where I was dressed like a prisoner).

The contrast between me and my famous surroundings intensifies my feelings of meaningful blackpilled suffering. I remember seeing Staceys everywhere on the day of the Notting Hill Carnival and then going there as an ugly stain on the normies' paradise.

Instead of feeling sad in my city's old library, I now skulk around much better stocked libraries, including the British library, where the sight of students in the prime of their lives invokes a temporary catharsis (when I realise how pathetic I am for being too ugly and missing out on youthful enjoyment).

Not only can I feel sad due to seeing rich bankers and many famous politicians on the street, but also extremely world class hipsters in Camden or Shoreditch, the epitome of youthful freedom that contrasts with prison of ugliness.

>currently lying in bed, feeling sad about life
>feel sad because I have failed so many graduate job interviews over the past 5 years, many for jobs better than my current one
>in the UK it's near impossible to succeed in the workplace if you're not an extrovert that is either posh or one of da ladz

>see life as a grind, have no passions, see everything as work
>am a 27 nerdy looking person with a stem degree but I don't have any specialised technical skills
>always did well at school but hated my degree; people my age are figuring out the universe's secrets or proving mathematical theorems or coding machine learning shit that makes millions, while my job is excel monkey public sector empty suit bs
>haven't put effort in to anything ever

>everything feels like work
>enjoy reading books but feel like I have to read lots of boring old books (Aristotle (inb4, he is translated and his surviving work is lecture notes), leviathan, wealth of nations, Dostoevsky (all boring as shit)
>want to learn stuff but feel like I need to learn boring shit first (want to program but feel like I need to go through SICP, which is fucking boring)

>have constant FOMO
>main hobby in the past 3 years has been walking around outside, drinking coffee, feeling sad about life, hoping my 20s spontaneously stops feeling wasted (it didn't)

>am blackpilled as fuck and know women and chads get everything handed to them and my life is on hard mode

>be me
>be 27 year old ugly beta autist loser with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to a pub, club, or party
>woke up at 7 am, feeling like shit because coffee ruined my sleep
>browse internet and read until 10 am
>sleep until 2.30 pm
>look at the day ahead (a bank holiday) and wonder how I can be wasting my days so much
>tell myself that today will be the last day of coffee and junk food
>tell myself that I need to figure out a life philosophy that maximises success, happiness, intellectual edification, health, all while being easily remembered and leaving me with a sense of freedom; know that every philosophy (or rule system) is limiting and acting with intellectual requires you to not brainlessly live by an algorithm
>plan to go to the museum, maybe go to the library, maybe walk around feeling sad about life, then have coffee, binge on fast food or junk food or both, and I don't know what
>have read only 100 pages in the past 4 days even though I think of myself as someone who reads a lot; plan to pick the 5 books I feel most guilty about not reading and doing nothing but reading them; know I've done this already and it didn't take away the guilt

Another day spent sad as fuck and blackpilled because I'm too ugly to have friends, a social life, any attention from women. I walked around London but felt sad about life.

All the normies are at the club right now or having sex. All the "qts" are dressed like porn stars and looking for Chad dick. All the Staceys are with millionaires.

Tomorrow I'll wake up, read a boring old book I don't really like, go to the gym, go to the museum, see Staceys who see me as disgusting, drink coffee, then probably binge and waste a lot of time on the internet.

I barely have a career because I can't pass job interviews. In the UK it's near impossible to pass job interviews unless you have a posh accent or are one of da ladz.

I keep trying to give up junk food and coffee but they're the only things that keep me going. I can't bear staying in my flat and doing productive stuff or learning because I feel like a loser wasting my 20s. My main hobby for the past three years has been walking around outside, drinking coffee, browsing the internet, and hoping my youth spontaneously stops feeling wasted. "Jus going outside bro!!!" has not worked yet. Everything feels like work.

What hope is there for someone who is unable to plug in to the normie hivemind? I am a fucking pariah in the UK because of this. I wish I was an American in a society that only cared about money. Or French where everything is just one giant meritocratic bureaucracy. Not this worst of all worlds country.

If you don't go straight from a top 5 uni to law / banking / management consulting, you have failed at life. Working 9 to 5 gives you no life and is ten times worse than working 9-8 because 9-8 implies you have a high paying or prestigious job.

>be me
>be 27 year old ugly beta loser loner autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to a pub, club, or party

Another day spent sad as fuck and blackpilled because I'm too ugly to have friends, a social life, any attention from women. I walked around London but felt sad about life.

All the normies are at the club right now or having sex. All the "qts" are dressed like porn stars and looking for Chad dick. All the Staceys are with millionaires.

Tomorrow I'll wake up, read a boring old book I don't really like, go to the gym, go to the museum, see Staceys who see me as disgusting, drink coffee, then probably binge and waste a lot of time on the internet.

I barely have a career because I can't pass job interviews. In the UK it's near impossible to pass job interviews unless you have a posh accent or are one of da ladz.

I keep trying to give up junk food and coffee but they're the only things that keep me going. I can't bear staying in my flat and doing productive stuff or learning because I feel like a loser wasting my 20s. My main hobby for the past three years has been walking around outside, drinking coffee, browsing the internet, and hoping my youth spontaneously stops feeling wasted. "Jus going outside bro!!!" has not worked yet. Everything feels like work.

What hope is there for someone who is unable to plug in to the normie hivemind? I am a fucking pariah in the UK because of this. I wish I was an American in a society that only cared about money. Or French where everything is just one giant meritocratic bureaucracy. Not this worst of all worlds country.

If you don't go straight from a top 5 uni to law / banking / management consulting, you have failed at life. Working 9 to 5 gives you no life and is ten times worse than working 9-8 because 9-8 implies you have a high paying or prestigious job.

>be me
>be 27 year old ugly beta loser loner autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to a pub, club, or party

>be me
>be 27 year old ugly beta loser loner autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, never been to a pub, club, or party
>woke up at 11 am
>browse internet for two hours
>read for a few hours while drinking coffee
>decide not to bother exercising and just go outside
>go to Victoria and Albert museum but it was really crowded so I left almost immediately
>lots of Chad and Stacey couples taking pictures everywhere
>went to city of London to walk around
>was raining and almost empty
>walk past Liverpool Street station and see a 50 story apartment complex and wonder who lives there
>saw an online post saying £60k was the minimum London salary to enjoy London
>walked in to Shoreditch, the run down hipster area (I think hipster Staceys seemed even more disgusted by me than regular women)
>saw "Boxpark", a row of ship container sized shops, each one of them the type of high end fashion shops that ban ugly people like me; what a heart warming economic story
>step on to Brick Lane, which is just as hipster as Camden Town, maybe moreso
>walk down it and it becomes more Muslim as I walk, until I see a mosque and a Tower Hamlets sign
>walk back to Liverpool Street station and saw lots of slag types- wonder whether I only noticed more at that place because it has "Liverpool" in the title
>will now go to McDonalds or Burger king, hopefully for one of the last times
>British museum and v&a open late on Fridays but I am already demoralised

I'm 27 and blackpilled and it just hit me that being an ugly nofriends loser right now is pretty bad but thinking of my friendless self at 18, before I had a good haircut, wore good clothes, went to the gym, knew anything about the black or red pills, makes me feel a gigantic amount more bitter.