/lit/ - Literature

I wish there was a way to express how I feel. I have a horrible disease named "autogynephilia". Basically, I'm a "straight" man who has mistaken his own body as the object of sexual desire, they call it "erotic target location error", my brain recognizes my own body as a potential female mate. In short, I'm aroused by the thought of my being a woman, and especially recognizing my body as female. I've been this way for as long as I can remember, even before puberty. When I was twelve and had sexuality imposed on me by my flesh prison I was romantically interested in the girls I knew, but was only aroused by imagining myself as them. I was very religious back then and thought that it was the devil trying to trick me. It made me have a nervous breakdown and I was put on antidepressants for all of my teenage years, basically killing my libido and allowing me to pretend I was attracted to women (even though I didn't have a single erection in my teenage years).

Long story short, I'm not as young as I used to be and I've masculinized much further. I'm not the twink or femboy I used to be. Imagine every single woman dying in short order and all records of them being erased. No pictures or recordings left. Only a faint memory. That's the position I'm in now, I have an intense libido but nowhere to direct it at. I'm not attracted to men or women, but I'm not asexual either. I'm a broken person, missing one of the major pieces of adult life. I've heard of a few other people with this same problem, but the vast majority of people just can't relate, and if I share my experience with them they look at me as if I'm crazy (which I don't disagree with). I don't know how to get this across to people. Maybe poetry? Or a symphony? I feel so alone. I'm the anon who posted the dream at the top of this thread fwiw

I want to get into comparative religion but don't know where to start and don't feel like diving directly into sacred texts without some background knowledge. In particular I want to know more about the great schism of Christianity.