/lit/ - Literature

>>4128015
Something I rewrote just now;

The sun is still up, I figure it has another hour or so before it's gone. The window of opportunity for an enjoyable walk through the park is slowly closing. The low sun casts long shadows over everything it touches while simultaneously bringing out the brilliant beautiful colors of the trees. A cool breeze rustles the thin branches and loose leaves creating an elegant dance of Autumn, a magnificent show without any actors. The quickly setting sun slowly turns the breeze colder, bringing news of the approaching winter. Somewhere, further north perhaps, it has snowed.

but from a critique standpoint..
Your final sentence is flawed grammatically. You use repetitive wording. When trying to be as descriptive as you are and using the structure that you use, don't bloat sentences with adjectives when you've already got two or three commas in it and an 'and' to boot ie
>There is a slight breeze moving the smaller, fragile branches and the leaves on them, creating an elegant, gentle dance of autumn.

>A slight breeze moves the smaller branches along with their leaves, creating an elegant, gentle dance of Autumn.


Please don't be offended by my kitty cat rewrite.
>implying anyone enjoys assonance or consonance half as much as I do