/lit/ - Literature

>>7542454
>>7542441 here, I feel really bad now. I was gonna read this over but got lazy. Anyway, I'll give you what I thought of it if you want. Being ignored in these threads sucks.

I like the idea of the scene, and the actual discussion itself is kind of cool if maybe a little clunky in places. I think you could do with using some more description, perhaps - and some of the description you do have is a little more show than tell, like describing someone's eyes as "brilliant". But it's interestingly weird, that's for sure. I'm uncertain about a guy named "Johnny" and a guy named "Silvanus", but maybe that's part of what you're going for. All in all it's not bad, just needs tightening up. That's what redrafts are for, though, right?