/lit/ - Literature

>>7518325

Insufferable. Reads like a bad anime.

>>7518434

have a le upvote

>>7518444

Better than last thread, but suffering from many problems.

* Echoing:

You're repeating (sometimes verbatim) a lot of the same words and information in rapid sucession. E.G "overlooking" , "Encampment". The part about the encampment also brings to light the next major problem.

* Your narrator is talking to the reader directly.

"You could see". Who the fuck is You? me? You don't know me. Don't talk at me. This is not good imagery or exposition. Instead, you should cut down to something like "An encampment overlooking the canyon . . ."

* You don't seem to understand what a paragraph is, and when to break.

I can't teach you this.

* Info-dumping before plot

You've tossed me in blind to a "canyon" and now you're telling me that the battle is over and that shots had been exchanged. Wonderful, but between who? I have no Point of view (POV) character, I have no dialogue, I have sparce imagery, no context to time period or universe, etc. Frankly, I don't give a fuck about what happened. There is NOTHING HAPPENING.

* Expositionary tangents (also a form of dumping)

You split (abitrarily) a paragraph to describe what khakis are.

* Dialogue is attributed poorly. And the grammar is off.

Someone, for the most part, you've got the grammar down...Some common mistakes though, like using a period when it needs a comma before the dialogue / clause ends. However, the way you show us who is talking is amorphous and awkward. People speak into darkness (though we don't know who is in the darkness), and more important we don't know who is telling us "it was sarge".

Lemme just freestyle some shit at you:

>"Psst, Trousers," a voice called from the shadows.
>"That you, Sarge?"
> Sarge climbed up beside Trousers. {Physical description sentence here}. >"You know I don't sleep." Sarge looks up out of the canyon and pointed. "See those orange flashes?"
>"Yeah," Sarge {did something}, "what are they?"

See what I did there?