/lit/ - Literature

I'm starting to feel empty, hopeless, as if nothing in life bears any meaning. I'm reaching new heights of achievement practically every month, and yet I'm sure that every day I'm more of a loser than the day before. I've wanted so much for so long, but felt too useless to ever try for something, and that feeling dragged on long enough that I saw these arbitrary milestones as hooks that I could cling on to, would I ever manage to reach for them.

And reach I did. Sometime last year I went to a psychologist, and after one session I decided I didn't need this crap and should just get on with it. I started making music like I always wanted, stopped giving a shit about if girls thought I was a creep, stopped giving a shit about being a fat loser and became a fat chad.

And now we're here. Yesterday I slept (just slept, nothing more) with two girls hugging me on each side, something I would've literally bet my entire life savings on never happening just one year ago. It seems like something so outlandish, and yet, it doesn't mean anything. Nothing really does. I still want to kill myself on the daily because the banality of life drains me dry, and every "meaningful" thing that happens just reaffirms that everything is part of the same matter, void of significance and subject to irrationality.

I feel much more attracted to the negative aspects of life than the positive because they feel more profound. I was at a party where my ex-girlfriend (who I thought I was on good terms with), didn't pay her much mind, until she came to me to tell me she was sick of me treating her like shit. I almost started to cry and haven't thought about much else. I still love her and the tragedy this entails entices me so much more than the fairytale life I seem to be living lately, I want to actively feel like shit instead of coasting through mundanity, and I think I'm going insane because of it.

My friends are telling me I'm not making much sense lately, and when I'm not in stream-of-consciousness mode but try to find structure in my thoughts, I feel like a schizo.

Maybe his penultimate word was fuck