/lit/ - Literature

Here's mine. It's an opening to a short story.

My gripe with it is whether it's engaging enough that a reader would want to read on further.

>>15036999
This is good. Has a Coen bros feel to it.

Maybe consider reworking the lines about the pictures and cameras. The paragraph is about the grandfather, and they sort of distract away from the main topic (even if you're trying to evoke some sense of remembering). I think that the paragraph would be stronger if you reworked or even just removed that part.

>>15037026
>>15038041
You need to stop with the long run-on sentences and the use of passive voice. They bog down the story and make it lethargic/hard to read.

>>15038113
>>15038120
Very based. Reminds me of John Fante.

>>15038651
Run-on sentences and the use of commas during action scenes break the pace of the story. Instead you could try using paragraph breaks at appropriate moments to up the drama.

>>15038685
The concept is interesting but I'd reconsider your use of high diction. The diction as a whole seems inconsistent: the first stanza is different from the rest. I think this would be better if you tried writing it out in modern English. Using "O" and "thy" is really cliched and will turn most modern readers off.

>>15038718
you sound like an angsty dosto protag

>>15039549
Your descriptions of scenery are good but the sentences are a bit too long IMO.

I would also change "The soldier was startled by..." to "Suddenly, a head appeared over the crest of the hill, followed by a body" or something to that effect.

One last criticism is there isn't any description of the human characters, only the landscape. (Unless this is a metaphorical story then ignore this).

Also I don't think the traveler would be carrying a spear in his hand while traveling. Shit is pretty heavy to walk around with in your hand. I guess he'd sling it on his back?

Anyway it's good writing and I wouldn't mind reading more.

>>15039951
Getting out there and experiencing life would do you good. If not just take stories from people around you or the internet and fictionalise them lmao.