/lit/ - Literature

>>20679960
Okay, that's pretty fucking bad, but at least OP is aware of it. It's still not as bad as a poster from a few weeks ago who posted a thesaurus salad, claimed they were the next Shakespeare, and threatened to rape or kill the anons who criticized their work. The worst part is that they weren't even trolling, as they repeatedly asked for the thread to be deleted once they realized the consensus was against them.

In that passage, it seemed like OP fell for the common newbie mistake of being insistent upon prose he thinks is cool, using it overabundantly to the detriment of the passage.
The best advice I can give to to OP: language is a tool used to convey information. Everything you write should be focused on clearly expressing something. "Prose", comes from the Latin phraes "prosa oratio" - literally, "straightforward". When we speak, we speak with the intent of communicating our thoughts in a straightforward manner. So, we should write as we speak. By focusing on sounding sophisticated rather than focusing on getting a point across you only betray your intent of sophistication and create a jumbled mess that comes off as pretentious. Every word you write should serve that purpose of clearly expressing something. Big words should not be used because they are big, but rather because they have a certain connotation.
I think this misconception comes from kids reading Shakespeare and Moby Dick and thinking those stories are good because they are difficult to understand to the average modern English speaker because of the antiquated language. Those in the past would not have to had decipher those works as we do today. In fact, Shakespeare wrote his plays for the uneducated masses. The stories are good because of the themes within them. Prose is just the tool used to express those themes.