/lit/ - Literature

>>17196784
>>17196743
Here's my favorite epic poem since apparently length has nothing to do with it anymore.

>>15369948
>when people say writing is bad they are usually right; when they say WHY it's bad they're almost always wrong. -- A Capeshit Graphic Novel Author

>>15370022
Superposition of the sound of ants below the station, and the train/people above isn't stark enough; last three lines fall flat. The first three o either make a stronger whole:
>The train station
>A gloomy torturer[";" does nothing here, "," or naught"
>Of lifeless conversation
>They come by dawn,
>Wither and return back home
>Below inky skies

Work with the ant-sound image; "white as dice" (black dots? ants) it's inverted with the "inky skies"; "skyward mines" -- more compelling for terrestrial surface dwellers as miners toiling under the heavens/firmament (the "conscious mice"), < "penetrated [by] lights" -- processions of miner's lamps is subverted by the direction to the reader's attention aloft by "skwWARD"; (e.g. "Davy/Welsh lamp"; different types of "damps", as in noxious gases encountered therein).
It's getting there, but there's shuffling and refiing to be done. Pic. related for train inspiration