/lit/ - Literature

>>17522229
>>17522234

Thanks anon, wonder if ya lads will be able to guess the anime. Do tell how you like it.

https://pastebin.com/ZpXyBtDy

>>17443363
>The bank of serenity leaps forth and floats,
>As fluorescent dust goes and goes.
>Why can’t I feel any growth?
>Tree roots and jungle vines strangle my hope.

Enjoyable stanza but the final word of “hope” makes the imagery too “mushy” aesthetically.

> To sit and ponder what the eclipse said.
>Trees are lavender against indigo sky,
>The stark black orb by burning lights
>A binding glare brands an empty reality among nacreous threads

First line is utilitarian so passable, line two is lovely, line three corresponds well in contrast to line 2, line four however is too long, i’d re-write the entire line but work back in the “ nacreous threads”


>Endless day and endless night each one stitched into the last,

Feels like you lost stamina here

>Artificially tied to an endless patchwork a marine shaded quilt, an elongated trim.

Artificial is a odd turn to the imagery, I dislike the work marine as it doesn’t contrast well to the ornate description.

>Caught and looped in an endless tube, a permeated slide

Marines and tubes in your imagery are a tad bit distracting.

>When can I step out with my feet?
>When can I grin with sincere means?
>When can I grow as one and make endless leaps?

I like repetition so I’m fine with this.


>So insincere a mock,
>Nothing but a synthetic promise,
>Not natural but manufactured

Feels like some musical lyrics that would be greatly assisted by musical accompaniment but I get the idea, feels very distant from the first stanza.
All in all, I see skill my friend, just don’t let your lack of stamina get into you and remember unity in intent and effect. Here’s that story I spoke of.

https://pastebin.com/ZpXyBtDy

Do tell me your thoughts about it friend, betcha can’t guess what inspired it. (Something very mundane actually!)

Eh, I may as well post the story here for critique.

I still remember her between the waters and the moon

I rest on cool grass
the moon rests above the lake
and my friend is near
I’m afraid I may awake
then my heart would break


I remember those days, though my memory is sometimes dark, other memories shine bright enough that I can see them clearly. My father placed me in his car and we were driving to some far cabin, through my window the summer Sun shined so bright I barely could see the birch trees and the birds which flied above the bright green arbors. Nothing but nature ever really used to cheer me up, it was only yesterday that I had gotten into another fight with the older kids from the fourth and fifth grade because “you’re too old to still play with that dumb lion-teddy bear “ i Always felt like whenever I talked no one would listen, that I was just a dumb young kid so I started to act more violent and I kept quiet as much as I could back then. Not even my father seemed to listen but he always meant well, he told me otherwise but I knew for my sake we were going to his cabin. He cared enough about me to know I could only cast off my quietness when the natural world showed me its beauty.

I opened my window and the rush of cold air as our car traveled past the trees caused my eyes to tear up but I didn’t close the window, I wanted to see how much of the speed and air against my face I could take. But just as i began to really enjoy the speed, the car began to slow. I got out of the car and followed my father into the woods for a while. Eventually I saw the little log cabin that lived next to the lovely lake, my father told me about the lake before many times, he would say “the water there shines so strangely son, a star that was sent from Selene sank into those waters, the light in it shines somberly like they were living lights wishing to leap back to their bed among the moon and their sisters the other stars. “ I stood before the lake in silence, seeing the Stillwater, first like a perfect mirror. I saw my body in the blue water, my bopped hair and my white shirt, then I was blinded by the shimmering lights.

I saw the lights of the sky, of the heavens pouring Down and dancing like raindrops of stars upon the water, I saw the light cover my reflection and I thought I saw my reflection smile for a moment but my father called my name so I could help him unpack into the small cabin. After we unpacked our light luggage I (though lighter in mood) remained largely quiet. My father in the usual style told me to follow him without explaining where we were going or what we were doing. Quietly I walked behind him, he was a large man and wore leather booths, a brown shirt and a pair of blue jeans that seemed to me then to be immortal as they had been through so much and were still yet wearable.

Cont