/lit/ - Literature

>>15251180
Contrasting Rupi's poem:
First line is fine establishment, but we kinda need more already, since it's more abstract than "the tiger", which immediately evokes a specific image. "Stay" could lead into a lot, which is fine as long as it leads somewhere. But "I whispered" is the same as "stay" - it doesn't generate anything specific at all. Why is she whispering? To who? Where is this taking place? What's going on here? Again, this could be fine... until the next line does the same thing again. Who is this you person? What is "you" doing? Again, a delay. At least there's some context for the last two lines though. But still no specific images? Is it nighttime in a hotel room? Daytime in a cafe? You can make a poem without any of these things, but there's nothing else to anchor onto here - no interesting proposal, moral quandary, puzzle to solve. The last line reveals what the poem is about, but is a total letdown. That's it? And we still don't know what was going on, really. Apparently Rupi thought the idea would just carry itself, because being sad someone is leaving is totally original and interesting.
The first line break makes sense. The second should be cleaned up "I whispered, as you" feels much better, and doesn't have that irritating overemotional feel of "as you", which isn't strong enough to deserve its own line.