/lit/ - Literature

>>21748182
I've written my own rendition of this except, see pic related. It's not great, but I just threw it together. As for a breakdown,
>He swung into his pleading hands and a shudder went through him when he yanked the blade that he'd lodged between thumb and index and red flooded his sight.
This is almost incoherent. I think the scene needs to be set up a bit more before the action is relayed. Your character should be swinging his weapon "at" the man's hands not into them. Even "He swung at his pleading hands" is awkward without knowing that there's another man, pleading before the protagonist. As it reads currently "his pleading hands" seem to refer to the main character's hands, who was refered to as "he" three words prior. Your description of the blade getting caught in the man's hand isn't very clear and I'm not sure why red is flooding anyone's sight. Is the protagonist "seeing red" as in getting angry, or is the victim's sight being obscured by his own blood? It's not clear, mainly because you're using "him" and "he" for both characters, within the same sentences, without distinction.
>That first resistance was the hardest to pull through.
This should be exemplified though the character struggling in his attack, it doesn't need to be stated.
>He whacked the flailing arms three or four times before he
managed to hit the head.
You don't whack with a sharp weapon, you chop, cut or slice. A whack is often a "sharp" attack, but that's more so the speed of it, not the nature of it.
>He struck Mr. Vermin's face with the machete, hacking pieces off his cheeks and nose and cleaving his eye and his brow and his ear.
Again, you're overusing the word "and". Seperating "he managed to hit the head" and "he struck Mr. Vermin's face" breaks the flow. That and Mr. Vermin isn't a realistic name. Perhaps the characters call him that as a nickname, but the narrator shouldn't.
And that's as far as I've read, too much of a mess already to bother continuing.

>>21748302
Didn't catch the protagonist's name before my rewrite, so forgive the placeholder.