/lit/ - Literature

>>13316624
Can I really respect myself if I don't contribute anything to society? Society is flawed, and being part of the machine terrifies me, but doing nothing, sat here in my home, how can I not feel like anything less than scum? Everyone tells me it's okay, that I'm trying, that my trauma and mental illnesses make it hard for me. But I don't feel that. I feel like I'm pretending, that my illnesses are all mental, so I should just suck it up- I feel like I should be able to, and I'm afraid I'm just pretending, that I'm just lazy and scared. Sometimes I wish I'd have a horrible disease or physical deformity just so I'd have a legitimate reason to be the way I am. I feel the yawning dread that I'm worthless, that I wasted my life, that it's already over, and I blew it, because I'm just too weak and lazy to do better.

I live a life of luxury compared to most people on earth, and I contribute nothing. I hate myself, and every day starts and ends with the awful crippling despair that I have accomplished nothing, that I'm worth nothing and that I don't deserve anything.

I just want to feel like I'm worth something. How can I be worth anything if I don't do anything? I write and write until I can't stay awake anymore just so I do anything, but it's all trash, it's all garbage, and I'm just pretending to exist at all.

I shouldn't be here. How can I exist if my life is filled with nothing? I hate myself and I'm so sorry. I'm scared.

Now I'm sitting here, crying, on 4chan, more miserable now, because I know I won't do anything today, either.

>>10803932
I just had ANOTHER fucking dream where I'm this malignant, almost supernaturally evil serial killer. I never remember perpetrating the killings, but I'm haunted by the fact that I did them, the knowledge that people are hunting me, that it's swirling around me, and, in the end, I threw myself from a bridge and killed myself rather than let myself be caught. Instead of waking up, I felt myself die, and then, in the dream, I woke up, to the exact same scenario that had started the nightmare. In the dream, I scrambled, terrified that it was real after all, only to find out that no, it wasn't, but unable to shake that awful fear that the whole world would just suddenly twist, and I'd be living in a reality where, suddenly, inexplicably, I'd have killed before, and will kill again.

I hate these dreams. I don't want them. They're exhausting and terrible. I hate them. I hate them.

>>10722884
When my mother and father divorced, they were living in the usa. My mother thought she would never get custody over me and my brother because she was german, and my father was american. So, late at night, she packed us up and left. I was four. I still remember that night. I was excited because I got to stay up so late, and I thought that the streetlights reflecting off of the water drops on the windows was very pretty.

The whole fucking debacle lasted years, which involved fleeing in the night and my father selling his company and all kinds of shit, but resulted in, the single most traumatizing experience.

I was probably 5 or so, and my dad walked in and argued with my mother, like he usually did, I don't remember what they said, but then, he grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder and started to walk out. My mom stood there in the hall, sobbing. I screamed and cried but I knew that no matter what I did, I couldn't do anything. I still remember it so fucking vividly. The helplessness, the despair. the sheer desperation. Even then I knew I would never see my mother again- (that wasn't true, but for years, until I was fifteen I only saw her for a week every year), and the sheer emotional pain fucking hurts, still. Neither my mother nor my father know that I remember this.

Even today, if I see a kid screaming, you know, everyone acts annoyed, but I remember what it feels like, to be utterly helpless. Nobody listens to kids. Kids are stupid, and whatever, but we remember and adults kill us a little bit at a time and then blame us when we end up as neurotic fucking wrecks.