/lit/ - Literature

Jim was queer. He could do nothing right at all; he was queer at his workplace, queer with his customers, queer with his finances, queer when he drove in his car, he queered his reports and queered his pitches, indeed: he was queer when he interacted with anybody indeed.

One day the word was redefined to mean "homosexual" but Jim queered even this, as he queered being a homosexual by not managing to put his penis into a males excrement channel.

Jim one day attempted to use the reefination to his advantage by pursing legal action against a colleague who consistency called him out for queering his work and hurting the business of the company by queering things, but Jim queered even this, "well," he had said to the magistratum, "i am not actually a sodomite," and the case had collapsed.


Jim found himself one day strolling through the local horti and erupted all of a sudden into song,
"gosh help me, I am queering all I do,
gosh help me, I want to be like you,"
and he sang this over and over and as he sang he approached random persons, who seemed as if they were not queering themselves, and shook them by the shoulders with tears in his eyes.

Soon enough he found himself facing down the maw of a religious zealot who believed, in error, that Jim wished to rid himself of rectophilia, and so he dragged Jim warmly by the hand, with much gaiety, to the cult shack of his sect and set about blasting Jims ear lobes and scrotum with electrical charges from his car battery, hollering out invocations to his local god as he did so.

And to this day, when the lights flicker somewhat in your factory floor or residential quarters, you'll know that the voltage disruption is being caused by 7 terrawatts being momentarily channeled into Jims testes.

fin.

kal. aprilis

1) in which a 4chan /lit/eratoid is taken to court and refuses to listen to the prosecution, he calls them spergs and is found guilt despite his instance that "proof" isn't worthy of his attention. he ends up in prison where he kills himself with a bucket of bleach after being sodomized by the neo nazis he spent his youth idolizing. at some point an apparition of octavian caesar appears, explains that the materialists were correct and the spiritualists were wrong, but paradoxically the spiritualists are in hell for offending not-god by insisting the not-god was a god. caesar explains he is actually the guardian of four magic stones which the 4chan poster must pull from his rectum in order to reverse his life, then laughs in his face and tells him he's only joking. 4chan poster then dies and is reborn in the same timeline to repeat everything until the end of time.

i think it was a shel silverstein novel

2) in which thomas jefferson is the recurrent supporting character to the protagonist in a sub-plot unrelated to the actual book itself where upon thomas jefferson is hunting and killing hillary clinton clones. it is revealed that the clinton archetype was joan of arc as well as the coal-burning mother of jesus.

3) a biography of lord byron, where lord byron is described as an ape-creature in the jungles of burma.

4) the court transcripts of when paul of tarsus met the emperor and confessed he'd made everything up, but did it to please the emperor, who was god.