/lit/ - Literature

>go to presentation
>really enjoy it
>very interested
>talk to the presenter afterward
>nervous because loud busy room throwing off my autism
>nervous for other autistic reasons
>just want to complete the transaction
>sincerely want to talk to him but have 9 other layers of assuming i'll put him off with my autism or shame myself in the eyes of onlookers somehow
>he asks me very natural questions
>answer in weird ways because i am not focused on parsing his statements for their actual intent
>instead focusing on performing What a Plausible Normie Would Say In Response to This Question
>realize immediately after i say each response that it's weird and he was thinking "That doesn't really answer my question but okay"
>walk out
>repeatedly think the words KILL MYSELF in big bold scrolling letters in my mind as always
>go home
>contemplate getting drunk
>know it won't help anyway
>stuck with my own thoughts
>try to pick up some fragments of my various different personas in my schizoid borderline howling ghost chasm of a shitty psyche
>try to stick them together to come up with some kind of plausible combination that allows me to not care that i'm an autist who shames himself publically
>try various platitudes out
>attempt to find a plausible version of myself for whom autistic social failures are like water off a duck's back
>do not succeed