/lit/ - Literature

>woke up too early
>browsed internet on phone for 50 minutes
>decided to lie in bed but then decided to get out of bed early because it's not a heavy lifting day
>went to work; got to work at 9 am
>did some work; realised I was agonising over little things and wasting time so I just did the bare minimum and finished the task really quickly
>had a meeting with people from a different department
>everybody was getting mixed up and they said our section in a report was not the most up to date thing we should've handed in
>the section was something I produced early on in my time at the job (oops); but, as a genuine excuse, my team's document version control was and is horrendous and it was only to be expected; plus I asked about 4 people to check it about 3 times over a long period of time
>sat in another long meeting where I zoned out due to boredom
>currently on break
>plan to go back to flat, eat food, waste time on internet, then go to gym

My job is so pointless and boring. I hate how people will think I'm dumb because some stupid crap hasn't been done right and it's not my fault.

I'm reading a short non fiction book on my phone during commutes.

Everyone happier than me must be stupid or lucky. That's the o-only explanation!

I'm on the train home from work. How do I convince myself not to have the last binge ever?

>bought tendies last night and ate them but also bought large bag of M&Ms and sweets so I didn't avoid junk food
>woke up early today
>didn't have shit yesterday
>had a large, sludgey shit
>went to have coffee and browse internet
>have another shit 20 minutes later; think of an angry Colbert shouting, "Two shits??! Ronald Rumpf!!"
>went to work with that Friday optimism
>saw multiple types of Staceys and qts within minutes of leaving flat; yesterday's immediate 4 Stacey sighting was like a demoralisation hammer; today it was more demoralisation surgical mutilation
>do very little at work; setting my targets with my manager on Monday and I'm still worried about my not being able to really contribute anything (no single bit of work is hard, just seeing the context of things, knowing what to do, what needs to be done, what my tools are, takes time)
>the corporate grinder grinds on
>get back from work after leaving early
>finish reading a really long and pseudy European history book on my phone
>go to gym and workout goes well
>go in to central London for my usual walk (seen so many Staceys, it's demoralising)
>now drinking coffee
>unsure what I'll eat tonight

I'm still agonising over what I'll do in the future. I really feel like I don't have the people skills to avoid some profession with a large protection barrier, like accounting. And I could be an accountant while living with my parents and saving £1000 a month. But it would feel so soul crushingly loserish.

I wish I had the ability to work hard on things under my own initiative. That would solve my problems. But I don't have the motivation. I feel depressed to know my 20s are almost gone.

I keep hoping that going outside will feel humiliating enough to give me the motivation to stay indoors and work hard on stuff instead of going outside and hoping my 20s spontaneously stop feeling wasted. It hasn't worked for years. The ultimate irony: nobody has tried the "jus go outside bro!" advice more than me.

>be me last night
>had a junk food binge and skipped the gym
>binge was lasagna, Pepsi Max, chocolate, pot noodle, and supermarket sandwiches
>felt so fat
>read book in evening, went to sleep at 11 pm
>woke up at 1 am and couldn't get to sleep; spent an hour applying to investment banking graduate jobs
>woke up today at 8 am
>browsed internet on phone in bed
>got out of bed; drank coffee and browsed the internet; did chores; read a small amount of a pseudy non fiction book
>went to the gym and the lifting went surprisingly great and it felt great
>went in to central London for my usual walk, while listening to Peter hitchens on the moral maze
>sat in the library, skimming a book; felt demoralised when I saw an actual art ho
>went walking some more, but the day was pretty much over and it was past 4 pm
>walked through a park and was demoralised after seeing multiple Chad and Stacey couples
>saw a few packs of Chads and Staceys
>now drinking coffee
>unsure if I'll binge on McDonald's tonight

I applied to more jobs this morning. When I was on my usual walk I remembered this Chaddy guy in my university class and I felt a jolt of triggering when I realised that he was probably successful and had lots of money in the bank. I just looked up some former classmates on LinkedIn and it's just inevitable that they're all much richer than me. They're not stupid enough to move to London and they can easily pass job interviews. Or maybe I'm the true winner, like the banker and fisherman. Why become rich enough to buy a house in London and walk around while feeling the futility of it all, when you can rent and do it as a poor person? But that's dumb and I thought the fisherman in the original story was dumb as well.

I'm reading a modern history book and a merely ok but totally overlong pseudy old novel (top tier pseud cred).

>be me yesterday
>leave work last night and buy binge food for my first binge in 4 days (large chocolate bar, Pepsi Max, Doritos and dip, haribo, supermarket sandwich)
>too tired to go to gym
>read a lot of a history book, but it feels like aimless and pathetic consumercuckoldry
>sleep
>alarm wakes me up at 8 am (woke up a few times in the night to drink lots of water and piss; forgot how taxing binges are)
>go to work (felt demoralised when seeing Staceys on the tube (today it was young Staceys))
>had nothing to do at work
>literally nothing
>so boring
>still trying to imagine my life if I moved back with my parents after taking a boring job (if I could even get that) (sterile, dull, seeing people I went to school with being more successful than me; but £1000 savedin the bank each month...)
>now drinking Costa coffee at eets pyoorest on my lunch break

At least the weekend is here. I should see the Trickster movie.

Now it's after work. I skipped the gym. I bought binge food (pot noodle, lasagne, supermarket sandwiches, chocolate, Pepsi Max) and now I feel so far after eating it. It's only 8 pm and I'm totally out of ideas about what I will do. Probably just read a book, despite it being pure consumercuckoldry.

My lack of any female attention ever is demoralising.

My inability to enjoy life or really fully "seize the day" by working hard on anything is demoralising.

The weekend will involve walking around, feeling sad about life, and not much else. Maybe some reading but that's a consumercuck activity.

The magic of life is non-existent. I'm 29. My youth is gone. In one year life will be over.

>woke up
>had to get in to work for an 8.45 am meeting
>have spent all the time since then doing either repetitive work or reading random crap
>now on my lunch break
>was waiting for coffee in a busy Starbucks on my lunch break and it was excruciating to be there, surrounded by normies
>now drinking coffee in my puny 30 minutes break; the days of the glorious 2 hour lunch break are long gone

I have to go to a separate office for a meeting this afternoon and it's like a hipster paradise, like one of those onions exposed brick copy pastas.

I skipped the gym yesterday but it was only cardio day. At least I didn't have junk food. I will leave before 5 pm today and that feeling is glorious. When I count down the hours and minutes left, I always get a happy feeling.

>tfw already have a crush on a girl I met only once, like a beta bitch boy fuck, but based on her background she probably gets fucked by 10 investment banker Chads a night

Which books or life philosophy will cure me?

I haven't been able to do anything productive, intellectual, and long-term oriented under my own initiative and in my free time for over 1.5 years. The ability to learn programming or maths or build something has totally left my mental vocabulary. I have not struggled over intellectual work for the entire time. I have had brainless white collar jobs during this time.

I think this is related to two of the memes that have genuinely penetrated my mind. The first is the incel blackpill meme. This meme says that looks matter a huge amount, that what we perceive as personality is mainly due to looks, and that ugly men have extremely difficult lives. This has killed my motivation because I don't want to work hard on free stuff when I know that Chads and women get everything handed to them while I'm always going to be an ugly loser.

The second meme that has killed my motivation is the IQ meme. Although I always did very well at education, and this continued at university with little trouble, I worry about IQ. I hated my boring stem degree so I stopped putting in effort in to my degree during the last year and a half. My 4 year long degree was excruciatingly boring. It also wasn't at an elite university, only the one nearest to me, so I knew that even if I tried hard it wouldn't be proof of intelligence.

The IQ meme simply says that IQ matters a lot and higher IQ people get stuff done quicker, easier, and they do more complex things. Whenever I face the slightest bit of trouble in anything, I think about how a high IQ 14 year old would find it easy. I think this when searching for stuff on Google or when I eat junk food when I know I shouldn't. IQ correlates with "willpower" and other mental abilities, so I'm always worrying about it. If a high IQ person can do anything I can in half the time then doing anything feels pointless. When I am stuck on a problem I feel worthless.

I waste gigantic amounts of time on the internet. I mindlessly browse the internet in order to procrastinate the start of my "real life" until tomorrow.

I worry about being generally ineffective and about the idea that all of my effort achieving nothing and collapsing like a house made of feathers. I'm surrounded by shitloads of inventions that I never could have invented myself. I feel like there is some mystery black box function that high achieving people have that transforms their efforts in to non-trivial achievement while everything I do is a linear combination of trivial things.