/lit/ - Literature

Whenever I like to imagine myself in a loving relation, my ideal counterpart is played by the quintessential broken emo girl, a woman that has known the same arduous path of loneliness and solitude as me. One who, parallel to me, learns to love herself and appreciate life, coming from a place where self-loathing was the main coping mechanism that got her through the day. Learning to see herself through my loving eyes, she learns her own worth, and cements me as an essential building block in the world she builds around herself.

However, it appears in real life, this girl doesn't appeal to me. However much I'd like to force myself to search for her and love her, she eludes me, not physically, but emotionally. The girl that appeals to me, is the one that pleases my eternal laziness. The one that represents the finished work. I've met her many times, and every time she manages to enthrall me within days.

She doesn't hate herself. She doesn't hate anyone. She thinks suicide is an abject horror and can't begin to understand how it comes about. She laughs in the face of inconvenience, and genuinely appreciates trivial niceties like the sun warming her face, or a cup of tea of a rainy day. She doesn't need me, or anyone, to fix her. And yet, I need her. Because in reality, I can't fix anyone. I require fixing, and broken tools can't repair broken tools.

The worst part is that she doesn't see me as broken. I am yet another ray of light in her forest, one to be complimented, appreciated and be warmed by. She welcomes my presence, and involves me in her life and tidings as her kind heart does anyone, as I long for her warm hands on my face, and her eyes looking calmly in mine.

As I struggle with meaning and purpose, I require something to take my mind of myself, but all she does is hold up a mirror, her eyes not looking into mine, but providing a reflecting surface, one showing my heap of broken thoughts and neediness.

I will eventually decide that enough is enough and end it, but I cannot right now, a sliver of hope is left in my heart and I cannot shave it off just yet.

This young man has very strong feelings about John Greene.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlfnY9TNa5g