/lit/ - Literature

>>8846868
The first paragraph was pretty good, but the rest lacks momentum.

>>8844928
You need to rethink some word choices.. some of them are plain ugly (ineluctable, tintinnabulation, particulate/articulate, notorious nodes, waves whirled wormingly, titanically). Also, pay more attention to the rhythm; it seems that in the second stanza you just hit enter when you felt like it, which makes it distinctly unpoetic.

~ ~ ~

Amber round the rusting tarn,
oak tree spindles
net Gedanke from the wind.
Understanding passes through
their grasp – too weak,
the sky too vast.
Their brief reflections
wise enough to dance alone
while shadows dance unseen
behind them.

Thick white fog blurs night and day.
Willow feathers fall and rot,
fall apart in toddlers' hands
like smoke.
The thread of self is glimpsed and
lost in garden shade,
tangled with the fallen strings
of shallow faces,
ghosts
who haunt the path as if
their will was not the maze -

and while the driveway gravel crunches
under fallen leaves,
the Himalayas
shrink to dust and pavements
grind to sand, the car to rust.