/lit/ - Literature

>>8658897
Well for one thing I think you could say "meek and common faces" instead of "common, milquetoast faces". It doesn't earn you any SAT vocab points but I think it has a nicer ring. Honestly "milquetoast" is like "pulchitrudinous" in that it's one of those words that just shouldn't exist, it doesn't evoke any of its meaning. Meek does because it sounds like "squeak" and reminds you of a little pathetic mouse. Dunno if I'm alone there.

> Listening to murmurs that he could not understand or even hope to comprehend.

This ain't even a sentence, m8.

Do this, maybe?

> Listening to murmurs that he could not understand, he found himself lost in an unknown station, welcomed by the fear of a foreign world.

That "welcomed by the fear of a foreign world" line is good. Hence why I think you should have that be part of the first sentence.

> Blinding technicolor lights that drowned thought and rationality gave the train station a purple haze that exuded an air of nightly freshness.

This is a good, rich sentence. I might change a bit of it myself but honestly it's good as is. Maybe "nighttime freshness," it just rings better to me. And I'd pick between thought and rationality. Which one is it drowning out? Honestly though you could go either way with that, go with what sounds better to you.

> But among all the common, milquetoast faces, there was a woman that stood out.

Change to:

> But among all the meek and common faces, a woman stood out.

It's just shorter and faster and cuts out excess words that I don't see doing much.

Stick with "Cherry blossom cheeks...." instead of the fluttered part. It just doesn't seem to fit. How are her cheeks "fluttered"? Even as a non-fitting adjective that doesn't really evoke anything for me.

> while her visibly toned body exuded an air of feminine sexuality.

ickkkk... I don't know, this just sounds like a fanfic mary sue description. Maybe focus on something specific about her body that's attractive? Honestly I refrain from describing female characters' looks too much because it just ends up reeking of cringe but I don't know what you're going for with this so I won't judge.

> she could get a bad job and suffer the hell that is the stability of a monotonous life

How about "suffer the hellish stability of a monotonous life."? Just flows better, IMO.

> Lost and drunk in that foreign land dressed in neon lights, he became less romantic, and his dreaming essence was corrupted by the queer fragrance of realism.

Good last line. Not perfect, but the last four words are nice, even if they break down if you think about them too much.

Overall, 8/10.