/lit/ - Literature

If it weren't for philosophy and obtaining a degree suma cum laude in the process I would never have overcome my severe anxiety and sadness (it wasn't clinically a depression, but it was a constant feeling of anguish that led to anger and uneasiness). I felt a deep shame for myself and I was very seclusive, I had difficulty adapting to new social environments. It was all due mostly to a profound inferiority complex. Formal education was very negative for me because it reinforced an unhealthy need of external confirmation (by my grades) in order for me not to feel inferior. I was never an exemplary student (although I always had excellent grades) but I would always suffer from fear of not being confirmed by my grades as something I really am not and can never be. I always felt I would be excluded if I didn't live up to my own unreasonable expectations of myself that required me to be like an object (I denied my own subjectivity in order to be the student I wanted to be by conforming myself to an objective measure - the grades -. Formal education took so much from me in what regards my own interior, my own well being. I can only blame myself because I am completely responsible for what I feel and what I choose for myself. But I will never look back with any tender feelings for the education I was subjected to. The philosophy that was essential for my understanding of myself and enlightened me in so many ways was Sartre's Existentialism (specifically Being and Nothingness). It shed a light to the reason that I suffered such a severe anxiety and anger towards others. As an example, the concept of mauvaise fois was fundamental for me to understand my inferiority complex and how it was related to my own alienation towards the objectivity of high grades that I earned and how it all related to the fear of being (economically, socially) excluded. As a neomarxist, I feel I shouldn't be as sincere as I am over my feelings, especially in an anonymous imageboard. Regardless, I can positively assert that philosophy led to my overcoming of most of the negative feelings I suffered by allowing me to understand myself (Existentialism) and the world around me (Marxism). Much of my anxiety was from not properly understanding the reality I live in and denying my subjectivity.