/lit/ - Literature

>>19078618
Let's see some more, I think it's cool, but it's not much to go off of.

>>19078826
Highly visual, but almost has that overly-wordy feel, the anon here >>19078880 has some good notes, but I'd personally go even further - could just be personal taste, I like my prose sparse, but removing a lot of the commas as other anons mentioned does seem to help.

Example:
>The sun descended into the rim of the earth, as the van sped down the dirt track. Blair pulled the van into the empty lot, flinging dust into the air as he did so. The van was an ‘85 Chevy, a deep rust red and weathered

It works already, but I usually avoid "canned" phrases (e.g. rim of the earth) and shorten a lot in general.

>The sun descended into the earth. Blair sped his weathered and rusty red '85 Chevy down the dirt track, flinging dust into the air as he pulled into the empty lot.

I might be simplifying too much, so just my thoughts, but your second pass >>19081318 includes some details I think are unnecessary, like
>like the kind kidnappers in dreams drive
Of course, it all depends on where the story goes, but don't just tell me something's dream-like - describe it in a dreamlike way.

>>19079686
2nd person gives it an editorial or magazine feel, but I'm having trouble figuring out the main idea or thesis for the writing. I guess it feels like so much description compared to action or plot development. Phrases like
>which you've not seen since you started this cursed journey
also stick out, maybe even more so than the really long descriptions. If anything, the 2nd person style makes it interesting, but to also include subjective thoughts ("cursed journey," "you walk with vigor," etc.) detract from the 2nd person nature. If you keep it second person, keep the descriptions short yet vivid, and focus on developing the action, I think you can make something a lot stronger. I do like your use of metaphor in your descriptions though.

>>19083153
Thanks for this anon, really helpful advice. The quality of time's movement through writing is not something I've ever really given much thought, but it makes sense. I've been reading Murakami, and now that you've mentioned some of this, I realize his ability to freeze time for descriptions (rather than feeling like a real-time description of a scene, akin to a narrator in a film) makes his work highly visual, yet easy enough to follow.

Picrel is something I started a while back, but just want to know if it's worth revisiting/finishing. I feel like I was trying for a Ray Bradbury style of writing (if just a bit more humorous, like Douglas Adams), but