/lit/ - Literature

I feel torn. On the one hand, I want to have a romantic relationship with a woman, I want to spend time with her, talk, watch movies, cook, exercise, cuddle, make love, eventually start a family. But on the other hand, I don't believe in love, I can't help but think that if I were uglier, if I was broke, if I had some defect, there would be no "chemistry" between me and my partner. If for some reason I became depressed, they could tolerate me to some extent, care about me even, but it's all to some point where it becomes unbearable for the other side. Either I will either start repaying her for her attention, or she will break off the relationship that no longer brings her joy. And why would I get mad about this? I'm not. It's a simple calculation, I can't blame anyone for that. But realizing the truth about these relationships is what turns me off about them. It seems fake, it looks like a transaction, there's nothing special about it, never was, I was lied to about it when I was a child.