/lit/ - Literature

I have a problem that is probably pretty common. And i'd ask this on /adv/ but everything on there is just romantic and sex related and so I don't think they'd be of much help. But anyway I am just a very unproductive person and I get into a cycle of being productive for a while and then failing. I want to possibly become an artist or a programmer, and so I work at these things for a little while, but I'm never consistent enough with something to ever actually be good. I think the problem might be that I don't have enough of a strong conviction in any of these things to stick at it, I only have a vague and far off notion of what I want my future to be. I don't know truly what I want to do and that is why I believe I fail. How do I find this reason for being? How do I find a conviction that will be fulfilling and make me happy, something I will tire away it even when things are hard? I think most of my reasons to be productive is so I can get into position or job that would (in my head) heal my fractured and wounded ego, and satisfy my need for validation due to my deep rooted childhood obsession that I am special, when truly I have no extra ordinary merit. And so the idea of living an average life is an astronomical existential threat to my psyche. Sorry if I seemed to derail, but the essential question is the same. How do get over this need to feed my ego and find a stable reason to work and spend my time in a more wise manner?