/lit/ - Literature

There's an image of the hero of the story that you're supposed to be to be understood or admired by society.

I know - fuck society - don't be weak. Be strong. Be cool. Be a cool cat who can at least be good in the sack. Charm people - be the lovable rogue.

Well shit.

What if I can't be all those things? I am any less human that I'm not perfect - that I'm quite flawed and that I need love, appreciation. The confirmation that I have a right to exist in the world and that I am beautiful and worthy of praise and attention?

I think it starts in childhood. It began with not being invited to parties and then escalated to being called the fat nigger, sissy faggot, and retarded bitch on the gymnasium in high school. You think it changes in College, but it doesn't - people just keep quiet when you're around, clutch their bags a little tighter when you come on the elevator with them and tell you they wouldn't introduce you to their parents - because what would they say when they saw you?

When I was a kid, I thought life was going to be so much better after school ended. I mean I was bullied from the moment I reached first grade, but there was always this little hope - next year will be different. College will be different. Work will be different. Now I'm
on my 100th job application asking whether or not this world is for me.

I can't be this person that TV and pop culture want me to be. I can't be it because on every level - genetic, racial, class and cultural I'm a fuck up. Yes - I am a fuck up, and I know it.

I know I'm a fuck up when alcohol and junk food are the only things I can look forward to sometimes. I know I'm a fuck up when my girlfriend tries her best to make me happy - singing for me or telling me a joke and my shitty mode just has me reply: "your breath stinks." I'm such a fuck up that I chose a liberal art as a major and then again as masters and am still in love with my field. I should have given into my inner shittiness and done STEM or become a plumber just for the money.

So fuck it. I'm not getting a Netflix series anytime better, so all I can be is me. I want to be better. I want to be a better boyfriend even though it is so much easier to get rejected by girls and live in a fantasy of foisted idealized women and evil bitch induced friend zones. I can't be the alpha male locking horns with alpha males and alpha females because I don't like domination - I'm a little faggot nigger bitch who likes reading, writing and intellectual discussions in the park. Society might be malevolently ambivalent to people like me, but I can't kill myself - I just can't give up.