/lit/ - Literature

>>6842965
Just 400 or so words I typed up for this: http://pastebin.com/DxNRnvpg
>>6843015
This is a great peice anon, lots of humor and imagination. You need to write more but you've got a good voice. I didn't read it all, I'm slow and I want to critique more anons and you've had a lot, but I'll still be harsh because any criticism is valuable:
-Use semi-colons and colons. This is the most obvious one. Don't throw them in because you have to; don't do any of that, just realize this: they can make a sentence have a lot more variety, open up a lot for the prose to seep out and expand. You're writing is nice but it gets a tad repetitive, the tone is very Catch-22 for me - which is great - but that tone has a danger of being almost monosyllabic. Again I didn't read all of it, I'm sorry man, so if that changes that's fine. Just add a bit of spice to it and you're on something fantastic. That's just my opinion, you've got talent.

Also, you're dialogue could afford to be snappier, perhaps go back to Catch-22, you seem to like it, and look at some of the dialogue. It's very back and forth and rapid, characters often misinterpret eachother and you have a lot of reapeated questions and mistakes in the speaking. If you don't want to ape that, then that's fine, but currently the initial dialogue I read felt interesting in content but open to better delivery.


Don't stop writing.
>>6843043
That's a really cool poem man. Not much to say, I'm guessing you did it more as an excersise but the final line is very creative.
>>6843227
Listen to everything this anon says.
>>6843314
This feels as if you're trying to hard to be ambiguous. The abstract is fun, I abuse it too much as well, and if you're going for a spaced out distorted feel then that's fine. Just remember not to use words purely on sound, the spirit of what they conjure is just as important and there's so many better associations like sight and touch that you can muster as well.