/lit/ - Literature

>"How'd your speed date go norm?"
>"It didn't work out. You see, I'm an old fashioned fella. All I want is a woman who can cook, clean, and take the kids to soccer practice."
>"And her?"
>"She says she wants a six and a half foot tall Adonis with two hundred fifty pounds of pure muscle. He should be white but not that bland, milquetoast, Swedish-German white but a more dangerous, rugged, off-color white. You know, like a Scottish Highlander or Russian Mafia type. Furthermore, he should have old money breeding and be clothed in only the finest garbs money can buy. But beneath the Armani suits and Chanel eau de toilettes lies a feral beast, untamed by the emasculating influences of western liberal society and modern feminism --her words not mine. She says he should have the 'heart of a demon and the face of an angel'. A man who is no stranger to death and who will not hesitate to take a life should the opportunity arise. A man whose very presence will make lesser men quiver in fear. A man who has the criminal underworld in the palm of his hands and have a net worth north of a billion dollars."
>I says to her I says "Well I'm not a billionaire but I used to be on Saturday Night Live and have plenty saved up. I have an upcoming netflix special. I own a 5000 sq ft house and can afford to send our kids off to the best colleges. I know I'm only 5'11" but I hear there's surgery nowadays that can give a man a few inches. I'm Irish if that's okay. I don't have any criminal dealings but I do have plenty of connections inHollywood. Oh, and I can hit the gym if you find my physique lacking. I'll get a personal trainer and steroids and everything. Trust me, I'm quite the catch and you'll find no better within a hundred miles". I wink at her.
>she mulls this over in her mind for a bit, then looks at me. "That's fine and all, but are you a telepathic Fey shifter rapist?"
>I says "what in the world is a telepathic Fey shifter rap-"
>And she slams her purse down says the date's over.