/lit/ - Literature

>>18764446
lack of communicative skills and high anxiety in social settings. Hiding it is no option, it seems like people can sense my autism even though I take care of looks and stuff. I just recently saw some fellow students at university recently for the first time, it was like a meetup to get to know one another, and even though I mostly kept quiet I'm pretty sure they could sense that there was something wrong with me.
Anyway, I have extremely low confidence, especially around white people. This is the main issue - it's kinda rooted in my appearance and my ethnicity, I'm Arab and got racially abused during childhood as well as at work. I live in Germany and ever since 2015 happened I get anxious whenever somebody asks me about my ethnical background (my parents are from Syria). When I'm in a social setting with white Germans I always feel like I'm unworthy of their attention, especially around white females, I keep worrying about what they think about me, if I confirm any stupid stereotypes etc. It's basically like the master-slave thing I guess, I cannot function properly around them.
When I was 16 me and my family moved away from the ghetto to a nice suburban area. You can't imagine the anxiety level I felt whenever I happened to meet the neighbors. They were all petite bourgeois white academics who did grill parties in the garden and shit like that, and my parents forced me to go there. I admired these people, but I also feared them (or their judgement to be precise). I was literally too scared to water the garden because I thought that they might see me and think I was doing it the wrong way or whatever. There's so much more I could write but I think you get the idea.