/lit/ - Literature

This is a crack I had at a (very) short story. Would appreciate any feedback, and opinions on whether it's worth expanding.

https://pastebin.com/jdYvZAsX

>>15369938
Nice and clean. I like the running theme of the wristwatch which is not explicitly stated, and I like "The giver gave in".

>>15370022
The use of a semicolon is a bit strange to me. Also it's ambiguous whether the train station tortures the lifeless conversation, or whether the lifeless conversation is the torturer; the former is implied but doesn't make much sense to me. I like the first two lines of the second stanza. The last three lines feel a bit forced to me (e.g. dice/mice), and the analogy of the skyward mines and conscious mice is maybe too much on the wrong side of ambiguous. Overall it has potential imo, but needs a clearer message. I get that you don't want it to be too obvious but speaking for myself it needs a little more to invest in the analogies.

>>15370056
The prose is readable and fairly compelling. I like the line beginning "Sheltered...", and the cutting between dialogue and sparse descriptions works quite nicely imo. I could read a chapter before I decided to read the rest, but I'd probably want some more plot/drama/conflict or more beautiful prose/description to want to keep reading after that.

>>15370180
Caveat that I'm not a huge fantasy person and a lot of it reads very same-y to me with the settings etc. It's readable and a compelling origin story for an anti-hero/righteous villain, imo. It does suffer a bit from some overuse of adjectives, like the very first sentence ("bony arm", "restless sun"). A few small mistakes like "split" should be "spilt", and "he didn't break a bone" I'd change to "he hadn't broken a bone". I like the mention of the shaking and the waves, it's subtly done, though one my first read I didn't get that this was a later incident than the battle. I think the prose needs refining overall and the "shouting at the sky" imagery is maybe overdone but it's a good start. I'd read more.