/lit/ - Literature

>>11263030
>>>11289652
>>>11289661
>>>11289907
It's Kino. How long have you been writing?
And for our insecurity:
How old are you?

>>11242625

Gonna finish my feedback for poems started: (>>11248576)

>>11249173
This is a meme poem, unironically.
The
>Shit in the box
Could've been funny once, or twice, but becomes so trying and inane it feels smug. The whole thing is a snarky (but witless) gesture against romanticism, I can see a Sam Hyde-lite writing this. Sorry man, maybe you can find a niche of folk who enjoy it but it's way too easy edgy for me.

>>11245241
'forlorn' and 'ultimately' should go imo, for a poem this short you've wasted two out of 7 words on adjectives (the 4 syllables on ultimately slow us down too much), which is redundant to me, instead of brevity or precision. The punchline also boringly paints depression/nihilism in its thickest strokes. Work on it anon, I'm sure you can do better.
>>11243710
Too many filler words 'there is perhaps a little less than ought be' is needlessly waxing and needs compressing.The archaic phrasing comes across janky to me. If the 'moon' was a metaphor for women, or breasts(?) (lemme know if I'm wrong) then it doesn't work with the previous stanza, too tonally confusing, and should've been introduced from the start imo. 'Vacui' felt weird too. You have a knack for language but it needs to be domesticated.
>>11243724
It's Kino, Kidding.
>>11247749
>Pale vitric corners in a bluish glow under the thick white fog
Woah sloooow down man, you're choking me and the imagination without letting shit breathe, there's one too many adjective here. Over clarification that muddies anything truly pretty coming in, as much as you're trying for. 'penumbra' is a beautiful word, why are you throwing 'velvety' on it? I dunno maybe it's just my preference, but I think you can cut off a lot of fat and each words will get more heft. Your second sentence is a lot better (or at least simpler) so I dunno whether the contrast was intentional, if it was, it still doesn't feel right, it almost feels show-offy but it proves you have an ear for the simple when its needed. Keep working on anon, it can be improved.


Posting in:


Today is a torture of to'ing and fro'ing.
Yesterday's a question hanging in the moment.
Tomorrow is a tornado's whistle blower.
Will Tragedy slumber us or fold over and flower
in our resolute?

Will we brazen or bruise ourselves when the world harms?
Will we alarm or amuse ourselves from its palm?
Will we balm in half ignorance of the unreckoned?
Or, like a fanged child, beckon?

Has the world crazed or are we in delay?
Is wisdom an answer or beggar's reticence,
charming chance keeper of our business?

Still we clamber affairs,
plying God to attend
like he's not got anything better to do.
Hoorah I say, hoorah to the day and a
full haha and a fuck you too, and a
love for ourselves and our mother's
Who knows
when that toll will trickle from clouds
and make Death,
what we knew.
Life, what we will now
always know.

>>11242625

Gonna finish my feedback for poems started: (>>11248576)

>>11249173
This is a meme poem, unironically.
The
>Shit in the box
Could've been funny once, or twice, but becomes so trying and inane it feels smug. The whole thing is a snarky (but witless) gesture against romanticism, I can see a Sam Hyde-lite writing this. Sorry man, maybe you can find a niche of folk who enjoy it but it's way too easy edgy for me.

>>11245241
'forlorn' and 'ultimately' should go imo, for a poem this short you've wasted two out of 7 words on adjectives (the 4 syllables on ultimately slow us down too much), which is redundant to me, instead of brevity or precision. The punchline also boringly paints depression/nihilism in its thickest strokes. Work on it anon, I'm sure you can do better.
>>11243710
Too many filler words 'there is perhaps a little less than ought be' is needlessly waxing and needs compressing.The archaic phrasing comes across janky to me. If the 'moon' was a metaphor for women, or breasts(?) (lemme know if I'm wrong) then it doesn't work with the previous stanza, too tonally confusing, and should've been introduced from the start imo. 'Vacui' felt weird too. You have a knack for language but it needs to be domesticated.
>>11243724
It's Kino, Kidding.
>>11247749
>Pale vitric corners in a bluish glow under the thick white fog
Woah sloooow down man, you're choking me and the imagination without letting shit breathe, there's one too many adjective here. Over clarification that muddies anything truly pretty coming in, as much as you're trying for. 'penumbra' is a beautiful word, why are you throwing 'velvety' on it? I dunno maybe it's just me preference, but I think you can cut off a lot of fat hear and your words will have more heft. Your second sentence is a lot better so I dunno whether the contrast was intentional, if it was, it still doesn't feel right, it almost feels show-offy but it proves you have an ear for the simple when its needed. Keep working on anon, it can be improved.


Posting in:


Today is a torture of to'ing and fro'ing.
Yesterday's a question hanging in the moment.
Tomorrow is a tornado's whistle blower.
Will Tragedy slumber us or fold over and flower
in our resolute?

Will we brazen or bruise ourselves when the world harms?
Will we alarm or amuse ourselves from its palm?
Will we balm in half ignorance of the unreckoned?
Or, like a fanged child, beckon?

Has the world crazed or are we in delay?
Is wisdom an answer or beggar's reticence,
charming chance keeper of our business?

Still we clamber affairs,
plying God to attend
like he's not got anything better to do.
Hoorah I say, hoorah to the day and a
full haha and a fuck you too, and a
love for ourselves and our mother's
Who knows
when that toll will trickle from clouds
and make Death,
what we knew.
Life, what we will now
always know.

>>11235008
I'm here to buy the talk!
All of it,
In fact, more than it could suggest.
Convince me
all, opine upon a moment
and I'll parse the goods.

Does it matter that we were there?
pah-
matters are matters, matters fact!
The fact of my mattering has meaning beyond me, I must release!
"You dogs! Hear me!"
It's all hearsay!
That's right,
he's a cunt, and
she's a cunt and me?
A specially flayed cunt!
Are you in my order or not?
The world's a crockpot, I'm a stove top."
"You're a Dog."
"Piss off - right - fuckface, righteousness serves minced words!"

Then off he barks to the whorehouse

hollering down his mega kennel.

But what about the man that guards, genteel, he muses on the scene:

"If I could take the middle ground, there is a logic game in play, you see, simply, the men on either side are too brash to see reason, I, however, purged emotions on the entrance, and would see it fit you do the same, have the lame no ear for my trademark calm?"

I can't say I'm not convinced, but in strides apt acquainted man.

"You're all morons! Have you not studied well under the fact? Have you?! Have you?! Well I've assimilated theory,
"it dictates."
"It states that -"
"Insofar as"
"I doubt that."

"Wait..that's not right..."
"H-hey, excuse me?! Can we please kill those intuitions!"

Off he goes, barking off his tuition, what a chore to listen to.
But I'm convinced! That's right I'm sold!
You've bargain bought my thoughts, I'm mold and open minded now. I think I think I think I think.

>>11235008
I'm here to buy the talk!
All of it,
In fact, more than it could suggest.
Convince me
all, opine upon a moment
and I'll parse the goods.

Does it matter that we were there?
pah-
matters are matters, matters fact!
The fact of my mattering has meaning beyond me, I must release!
"You dogs! Hear me!"
It's all hearsay!
That's right,
he's a cunt, and
she's a cunt and me?
A specially flayed cunt!
Are you in my order or not?
The world's a crockpot, I'm a stove top."
"You're a Dog."
"Piss off - right - fuckface, righteousness serves minced words!"

Then off he barks to the whorehouse

hollering down his mega kennel.

But what about the man that guards, genteel, he muses on the scene:

"If I could take the middle ground, there is a logic game in play, you see, simply, the men on either side are too brash to see reason, I, however, purged emotions on the entrance, and would see it fit you do the same, have the lame no ear for my trademark calm?"

I can't say I'm not convinced, but in strides apt acquainted man.

"You're all morons! Have you not studied well under the fact? Have you?! Have you?! Well I've assimilated theory,
"it dictates."
"It states that -"
"Insofar as"
"I doubt that."

"Wait..that's not right..."
"H-hey, excuse me?! Can we please kill those intuitions!"

Off he goes, barking off his tuition, what a chore to listen to.
But I'm convinced! That's right I'm sold!
You've bargain bought my thoughts, I'm mold and open minded now. I think. I think I think.