/lit/ - Literature

>>5801597
>The dead despise the living, those who are so snugly set like signet gems into the golden frame of the glory of creation.
bad sentence structure. i know you're trying to say that the dead despise the living because they see them as these signet-set beings, but your comma doesn't tell me that, it makes me guess it.
>Not comprehending the impossibility of their lives, they live, impossibly, in perfect happiness, too stupid to understand the miracle that they've been given.
it seems not as if they don't comprehend it, but that they are unaware of it. you're implying that they struggle to understand that their lives are impossible, and fail to. say "not knowing" or something akin. your repetition of "impossibly" is ineffective because you cordoned it off by commas and it doesn't flow into the rest of the sentiment. calling humanity stupid is pretty edgy. people aren't "given" miracles
>For the dead, the things of the living come at a great cost.
no, the things of the living come at a great cost to the dead.
>and the packages that survive are largely unsatisfactory
the packages /which/ arrive, "largely unsatisfactory" is bad word choice. you've established the dead as very emotional and tragic creatures, their reaction to a rotten book is not "this is largely unsatisfactory."
>Coats ordered become rags, jewels and glasses crack and rust, and books arrive too smelly to enjoy.
pretty good sentence, but i would say "Ordered coats become rags"
>Thought, memory, past, future, love, hatred, boulevards, orchards, songs, poems, months, kisses, bird-song, glass, sand, earth, religion - these do not exist for the dead.
way too long, yet not at all long enough. you just spent an entire paragraph talking about the plight of post mortem material girls, and now you brush off the rest of life in a single list?
>The only sense of which they are not deprived of is resentment, which pervades their lives.
are you fucking kidding me? read this sentence and tell me you don't see what's wrong with it, i dare you
>Once, in some rare moment of ecstasy you may have heard a band of bitter laughter that was not your own. Did you think that the world was laughing with you? If only you had stopped and listened - ! If only you could have - for once - been truly cognizant of the world! If you had listened closely, you would have understood that the laughter was bitter - that it was accompanied by the clacking of trembling bones.
"cognizant" doesn't work here. in "that the laughter was bitter," "was" should be italicized. despite that, the best paragraph.
>Once, almost immeasurably long ago, the living worshipped the dead. The living listened to their whispers, and took them as a guiding-star. We assume that those ancient ancestor-worshippers were primitive, or superstitious, or simply victims of thought processes that the modern mind is too advanced to understand. But all that is untrue.
people still do worship the dead you dumb bitch