/lit/ - Literature

>>20819988
The Lord Of The Rings by Tad Williams

Gandalf dies in a fire. Frodo the mooncalf is too busy playing with beetles to notice. The charred corpse of Gandalf reappears to him in dreams, mutters about three swords called Sting, Narsil, and the horsey-sword King Theoden uses.

This prophecy is not too important, we still have 3600 pages left.

Once when climbing around the Shire, Frodo sees this flash of beautiful gold - this precious, precious golden... oh look: a mysterious youth named Sam. Sam is probably a man's name. Not a girl.

Thinking about Sam makes Frodo dizzy. He is being chased by these Dark Ringwraiths from Norway, oh no! It is one Norwegian man, but he has a lot of angry dogs, branded with a mark of a mountain. Sam and Frodo are utterly helpless! They are going to be caught and torn apart by the Norwegian Ringwraith Man, oh no!

Gimli the dwarf saves him. Everyone knows the weapon of a dwarf: an eskimo blowpipe walking stick. Gimli scares away the Norwegians.

Legolas is tied upside down from a tree. Frodo kills someone with an axe and Legolas gives him a pretty White Arrow. How convenient! Frodo is telling this to his best manly man-friend Sam who is not a girl. He falls into a river.

Galadriel is an owl. No, just an old witch who lives in a house with legs not at all stolen from Baba Yaga. Galadriel finally shows Frodo the true meaning of his dream:

You see a long time ago in Gondor, there was this White Tree. But it got poisoned with iron by Sauron. Sauron did this! Sauron was the one who sent the Norwegian Ringwraiths; only Aragorn the True King can stop Sauron. But who is Aragorn?

Princess Aragorn is a girl. Oh, Aragorn is Sam! Sam was a girl all along! It was not gay. In fact Princess Aragorn looks quite pretty.

Frodo is tormented by this, he imagined he was Aragorn. He had some dream about a Fisherman not at all stolen from Arthurian legend. Frodo fights Smaug on a frozen mountain with his greatsword Sting, the dragonbreath scorches his hair white and Frodo makes Elijah Wood Pain Face.

Rohan has fallen to evil Grima Wormtongue, who poisoned the mind of King Theoden, Princess Aragorn's father. This is what the prophecy is all about, reuniting the magic swords Sting, Theoden Horsey-sword, and Narsil forged from the poisoned Iron Tree of Gondor! It is not nonsense. But we often forget about Eowyn...

Princess Aragorn has a dalliance with Sir Eowyn on a ship, maybe this occurs when all the undead are leaping onto it due to Aragorn's necromancy. Eowyn is very haughty and aristocratic. Let us just say Sir Eowyn's face is not the same afterwards. We often forget about Eowyn. Does all of this make sense now?!

Everyone knows Aragorn's true love is Arwen. But wait, Arwen is a man! In fact, Arwen is Frodo! Princess Aragorn and Arwen Frodo caress each other tenderly. So fisherman Frodo was Aragorn all along? Or maybe it was all a dream.