/lit/ - Literature

>>8361544
Many, many, thanks mate. I had been editing for a few minutes, and a you've basically confirmed all the things that needed to be changed.

I did decide to keep the gawky lab technicians, if only to suggest without saying that "things were amiss," lol.

My only disagreement with you is on the utility of "the detached and matter of fact" tone. I think it's better suited to convey a rapid series of actions, especially when recounted in the past tense, than dwelling on the psychology of the narrator in the middle of those circumstances.

I suppose it's ultimately a matter of taste, but I'll be obnoxious and say it's a trick I'm copping from Chekov. Actions of characters described with medical detachment produces more drama: it allows the reader to fill the emotion in.

That said, here's the edit:

The arrival was disorienting. It took a few moments for my vision to adjust and for my stomach to settle. The lights in the circular chamber, usually oppressive, were dim. The gawky lab technicians assigned to greet new visitors were nowhere to be seen. The soles of my feet burned. The platform had not yet cooled down. But it was the whirring noise that alerted me to danger. Without taking the time to process the unusual state of the chamber, I leapt from the platform and dashed for the arched white door, which slid upward automatically. Behind me, a great electrical discharge erupted, which briefly cast a shadow of myself on the facing wall, and fragments of the platform shot against the walls of the chamber. The sound was horrible, like a bomb going off in a thunderstorm. I turned around to see that the destroyed platform had caught fire and that small wires poked through the holes in its ruptured frame. Then the door shut itself and I was alone in a dark hallway.

>>7331744
*whose
my bad

Why does it have to be a competition? They are both pretty rad

Daily reminder that Cobain worshipped Burroughs so much that it drove him to heroin and even made him regret he wasn't a homosexual.