/lit/ - Literature

You need to seriously consider what made Hemingway's style Hemingway's style. I can somewhat understand you putting Hemingway together with Fitzgerald since you start to sound like Salinger in the worst possible way. The brevity of Hemingway without anything hidden and the flair of Fitzgerald with no wit.

The point of the story is their breaking up being tragic. That should have never been directly stated. It should have been a story in one room with two characters where everything appears normal but clues here and there lead the reader to guess what is going on.

I might edit the whole thing and repost it. If I don't, advice, cut more than half of this. Don't use commas when trying to imitate Hemingway.

>ON THE FOUR LIRE PEDUZZI HAD EARNED by spading the hotel garden he got quite drunk. He saw the young gentleman coming down the path and spoke to him mysteriously. The young gentleman said he had not eaten but would be ready to go as soon as lunch was finished. Forty minutes or an hour.
>At the cantina near the bridge they trusted him for three more grappas because he was so confident and mysterious about his job for the afternoon. It was a windy day with the sun coming out from behind clouds and then going under in sprinkles of rain. A wonderful day for trout fishing.

However don't stop. This is sadly better than most of the shit posted here.

>>3824681
How is the joke on them if they're laughing and you're upset?

>>2488880

if this was a regular class i'd hold back on faulkner too but OP said it was AP and he's too good