/lit/ - Literature

Here is a somewhat unhinged amphetamine fueled journal entry of mine from a couple of days ago. I'm curious how much sense it would make to an outsider, or if any of my thoughts seem worthwhile. I haven't edited anything. Let me know your thoughts, if you find it interesting enough to read. (1/5)

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4/13/22

I don’t think I have a purpose. I mean the kind of purpose you create for yourself, not the kind that is given to you. —. I feel stressed, and I don’t want to, but I can’t seem to control it. This methylphenidate is so volatile, I wish I could more efficiently utilize it. All too often I get stressed or confounded; stuck. It is very difficult to get into a flow, and it is very easy to lose momentum and get… stuck. I wish the words I say to myself internally were stronger, more than just their mental elocution; I wish I could alter that subconscious part of me that reigns over my “state”. I tell myself “it’s ok”, “loosen up”, “focus”, to no avail. There are valid reasons for my stress, in addition to the invalid ones. A testament to the aforementioned volatility: I feel better in this instant. It will not last. Everytime I reach one of these moments of serenity I consider I might have found a method for alleviating that paralyzing pseudo-stress that inhibits me. Either the serenity is reached independent of me, or I keep forgetting the important parts of my newfound method; regardless I keep finding myself… stuck. It may be exacerbated by my recent personality/thought patterns, where I find myself getting utterly lost in the details and pedantic nuance of any thought. I think I am particularly prone to getting lost when considering what to do, like, next. That which is most important? That which is most appealing? Should I stick with my current occupation in the hopes of avoiding that ever-frustrating, hopelessly paralyzing confoundment, even when I know I should attend to more pressing matters? This pointless and confusing contemplation over what I should do in the immediate future usually ends up being the way I occupy the entire “immediate future”. That is, until I snap out of it, or more likely, trip into the Confoundment (capitalized C since the word describes that very specific and personal experience I’ve been harking on). I am in a bit of a flow right now, which is nice, but I am now in the exact situation of consideration I listed third. I should switch tasks. I hope I don’t lose this momentum. I will return if I do.

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