/lit/ - Literature

>cleaning up that crazy old scientists from down the road basement full of old junk
>tired, lay down for a bit in an old metal contraption but fall asleep
>broom falls on control panel
>it's a time machine
>oh shit zapped back to the time of Christ
>dazed, stumble out to see the sermon on the mount
>Jesus steps out to the crowd
>ugly as fuck, big clumsy features, neckbeard, hasn't combed his hair
>fat, robes don't fit right, he keeps tugging at them
>opens his mouth, thick accent, slurs, barely intelligible
>"is not the typical, stupid, liberal opinion that 'oh, those who take initiative, strong personalities will get their way'- entirely wrong? My god, is it not the meek, who are forgotten and humble and so on, who will inherit the earth?"
>keeps sniffing, rubbing his nose
>"they say 'thou shalt not committ adultery', blah blah blah,- No! It is precisely the fantasy in which the real adultery is taking place"
>keeps contradicting himself
>keeps contradicting the prophets that came before him but he claims his way is the 'actual' fulfillment of it
>keeps saying we should help institutionally disenfranchised poor but never tells us how, only hear copout answers like "god helps those who help themselves"
>keeps making antisemitic remarks
>keeps saying we should be working towards new utopian society while also obeying the romans as normal
>while the crowd is distracted by a particularly spectacular phlegm-y trill escape back to time machine
>once back in present hack the evil machine to pieces and never speak of it again