/lit/ - Literature

“Fire. God of Abraham, God of Isaac, God of Jacob, not of the philosophers and the scholars. I will not forget thy word. Amen.”
yes

just something to help exhaust myself really. Put what I'm struggling with down on paper.

>The double regret reduces eternity to a painful succession of moments in which constituent parts of the inarguable truth of such regrets are perceived as piercing frustration as they assimilate to the wall you bring your head against. Stripping flesh from hand as you claw frantically at this wall of which normally you perceive each part alone, and that is horrifying enough, yet now as a whole you cry for a place in the eternal or at least peace by virtue of self inflicted mortal wounds. Yet again as some kind of complex and evil joke, this suicide would only be a double regret and the same pain again effuses and amplifies, regressing infinitely in all directions and smothering the soul.
>There is a great discomfort in discussing my personal convictions of inwardness to others outwardness. The dismissive amicability of general conversation seems to lend immediate cessation to the cyrstalline river of hopeful spirit and passion. If you wish to remain enthusiastic you much pull the curtains of facetiousness and irony and so hide your enthusiasm for it has no reality outside of yourself, hold it like an inward prayer. Yet it rots and withers if not realized in another. Diffluence of interiorization in abstract absurdity and insincerity or exile in oneself and ones own enthusiasm, I cannot live with this contradiction and decision. The common outward ground common people exchange their senseless, debased values in the marketplace waste unsettles me. The interlocutors of this dust and their exterior contentment during this epistemic collapse implies to me either a complete lack of awareness and sensitivity to the reality of inner reality or to, even worse, a general acceptance of the failure of these values realizing themselves in another in any genuine or authentic manner.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4obWMN3zuKQ

going to be 24 in june, time really is rushing by me now. Going to graduate college in a year or so and join the real world. I've already watched so much of my mental health and stability erode away within the last few years and the entirety of my life, even though I have so many friends and promising prospects, seems to be getting more and more distant and unreal the older I get. I torn between it being something spiritually sick about me, or if its really just a brute fact about leaving the folly of youth. I've spent my whole life in a furious and intense inward search for myself and meaning, its brought me all of my greatest joys and gives me the ability to distinguish between what matters and what is just external. Yet the older I get the more I'm realizing how all this really means nothing to anyone but myself, if it does it seems to be only indirectly. I use to find relief in my relationships, yet now it feels like there is a permanent situation where what is most intimate and meaningful about my self or my experience of myself is always capable of outrunning any experience at all that attempts to make it intelligible to others. It can no longer be drained of its melancholy and weight by any other. I have now this permanent vivid immediacy that constitutes the whole meaning of everything in my life, that I can experience immediately and always as a kind of inward prayer. I've always felt this kind of inward presence of mind as a personal gift that has guided me through the superfluity of life, when I was younger it always seemed like a kind of fog that permeated the whole of my experience and if I wrestled with it and its woe for long enough I could find real peace or at least understanding. Now I've felt that I've emerged from this ambiguity in the past two years and this has been an intensely painful yet transformative period in my life where I felt I've learned more about my self than ever before. And yet its becoming intelligible to me has simultaneously shown me how unreal this is to everyone else, and that I've lived my whole life in a kind of personal delusion that others could probably only interpret as some kind of maladjustment or personal issue, some immature hangup that presented me as a stunted person. Yet I think I've been facing and reflection or encountering spiritually things of immense difficulty and importance that lead to a full experience of knowing oneself and therefore making life meaningful. I think I've developed myself into a sensitive, sensible, faithful, devoted, thoughtful, caring, passionate individual who is capable of carrying the colossal pain of others and myself. Yet this all has its source in my personal experience of the world which in its illusory nature has left me in a kind of metaphysical exile that has shown me spiritual agony like I've never known. I now fear dying without ever being known to others.

>>11200921
K gave me not just an entire lexical ability to understand myself but a complete conception of meaning. It brought me out of my unintelligible fog and made my Self as such intelligible. Now I still have the same anguish as before, but I can maybe start to improve my relationships and self with this awareness even if only in disclosure that ethics praises, as opposed to the inner movement in which I stand in absolute relation to the absolute which is higher than the ethical or the disclosed shared domain. The real anguish comes from the inability for any of my highest experience and therefore the only things that matter to me to ever be realized except in a form of metaphysical exile in which I alone carry the burden of faith and divinity like an oath.
>"The tragic hero knows nothing of the terrible responsibility of solitude. Moreover, he has the comfort of being able to weep and wail with Clytemnestra and Iphigenia - and sobbing and crying give relief, while groans that cannot be uttered are torture."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4obWMN3zuKQ

going to be 24 in june, time really is rushing by me now. Going to graduate college in a year or so and join the real world. I've already watched so much of my mental health and stability erode away within the last few years and the entirety of my life, even though I have so many friends and promising prospects, seems to be getting more and more distant and unreal the older I get. I torn between it being something spiritually sick about me, or if its really just a brute fact about leaving the folly of youth. I've spent my whole life in a furious and intense inward search for myself and meaning, its brought me all of my greatest joys and gives me the ability to distinguish between what matters and what is just external. Yet the older I get the more I'm realizing how all this really means nothing to anyone but myself, if it does it seems to be only indirectly. I use to find relief in my relationships, yet now it feels like there is a permanent situation where what is most intimate and meaningful about my self or my experience of myself is always capable of outrunning any experience at all that attempts to make it intelligible to others. It can no longer be drained of its melancholy and weight by any other. I have now this permanent vivid immediacy that constitutes the whole meaning of everything in my life, that I can experience immediately and always as a kind of inward prayer. I've always felt this kind of inward presence of mind as a personal gift that has guided me through the superfluity of life, when I was younger it always seemed like a kind of fog that permeated the whole of my experience and if I wrestled with it and its woe for long enough I could find real peace or at least understanding. Now I've felt that I've emerged from this ambiguity in the past two years and this has been an intensely painful yet transformative period in my life where I felt I've learned more about my self than ever before. And yet its becoming intelligible to me has simultaneously shown me how unreal this is to everyone else, and that I've lived my whole life in a kind of personal delusion that others could probably only interpret as some kind of maladjustment or personal issue, some immature hangup that presented me as a stunted person. Yet I think I've been facing and reflection or encountering spiritually things of immense difficulty and importance that lead to a full experience of knowing oneself and therefore making life meaningful. I think I've developed myself into a sensitive, sensible, faithful, devoted, thoughtful, caring, passionate individual who is capable of carrying the colossal pain of others and myself. Yet this all has its source in my personal experience of the world which in its illusory nature has left me in a kind of metaphysical exile that has shown me spiritual agony like I've never known. I now fear dying without ever being known to others.

Almost finished Either/Or and have never read something more personal or psychologically penetrating. This book is prying at my behavior and explaining my most unconscious motivations that I was desperately trying to articulate. Perhaps after I complete it I can follow him through his other more philosophical works out of my Aesthetic poetic stage and further towards the faithful eternal, yet I fear I will drown myself here in the poetic without my doomed peregrinations ever being fulfilled or known by another. I will die within myself having never been known or seen by another.