/lit/ - Literature

>>8871374
>My family and I were going to Chuck E Cheese for my birthday. As we pulled into the driveway
Why would you pull _into_ the driveway if you were leaving (presumably your house?)

>I started to notice something grab my two shit covered ass cheeks.
You don't "start to notice" someone grabbing your ass cheeks, you notice it immediately. It might make sense if he were caressing your ass cheeks, but certainly not grabbing them.

>Looking back at my father, he was buying our tickets from an old lady with saggy tits
>...
>A scent that could never be mistaken, the scent smelled of many things, children piss, and horse placenta. I knew what this smell meant, Chucky E Cheese is here.
>...
>I had a chance to escape, I hopped over the table
Review how to properly use a comma.

>two cats giving birth directly on someone pizza
someone's

>feeling the piss leave his costume and into my ears
The "and" here implies that we could rewrite this as "feeling the piss leave into my ears," but that's obviously deficient. "Leave" is a pretty bland verb, too. I would rewrite this as:
"feeling the piss leak out of his costume and trickle into my ears."

>I felt like this day couldn’t get any better, but when I looked up, it just looked at me.
The connection between the day getting better and Chuck E looking at you isn't clear.

>I kept stepping back, but I stopped to feel the table directly behind me
This makes it sound like you _paused" to feel the table while fleeing. Reword it.

>The midget then climbed up his body, rubbing his lice-infested pubes all the way up.
"His" is grammatically ambiguous here. You should replace one use of "his" with the explicit character involved, probably the first one.

Overall, decent.

>falling this hard

now that's baiting, 8/8 OP