/lit/ - Literature

>>4126417
It's not bad m8, though your dialogue in the first sentence could use some work ie
>after only twenty minutes, and even the boss
>after only twenty minutes! Hell, even the boss
Also adverbs m8, nobody likes adverbs like >incredulously except in extreme situations. Plus, David having to shout over the sound in the pub but Remilia replying in her soft voice and David understanding her doesn't exactly follow. If you've ever been in a bar that's not even partying hardy and you've had to answer the phone, it's near impossible to hear without sticking a finger into your other ear, even then it's pretty difficult.
Remove also from
>david could also hear

But from a grammatical and syntax standpoint is bretty good, compared to some of the other stuff in the thread. Just remember that you can remove commas from places like
>spoken slowly, as though she
>social situations, but come on!
>first time this year, he was genuinely
and the sentence will work perfectly fine.