/lit/ - Literature

The porn where they pretend to be your girlfriend is so fucked up. It really makes me feel like I'm in a dystopia. I like to get really high and watch them and make myself insanely depressed. In fact I often get high by myself just to watch porn with the intention of making myself feel fucked up. I like the feeling, I don't know what it is. I don't know, it takes me to some other place which is hard to describe. But it feels very visceral, I suppose.

A month or so ago I posted in one of these threads saying I had some uncomfortable sexual memories and an anon recommended I write it all down by hand as a means to process it all and I kind of ignored the suggestion. But then a lot of shit blew up in my face, and I got sort of told off by someone, and a very close friend of mine accused me of being unable to feel emotions, which really struck me, because I felt that it was quite true.

So this weekend I resolved to write down a history of all my sexual encounters over the past 10 years, starting at about 15, trying to make sense of all the fucked up shit that has happened to me and that I have brought upon myself in the mean time. I spent two days on it and ended up writing 45 pages handwritten. No idea if it will be beneficial to me yet, but I feel that actually sitting down and allowing myself to think about it all for an actually sustained period of time, as opposed to in the form of fleeting thoughts that I push away whenever they come up, was probably a good thing. So thank you to the anon who suggested it.

A month or so ago I posted in one of these threads saying I had some uncomfortable sexual memories and an anon recommended I write it all down by hand as a means to process it all and I kind of ignored the suggestion. But a week or so ago, a lot of shit blew up in my face, and I got sort of told off by an ex-lover, and a very close friend of mine accused me of being unable to feel emotions, which really struck me, because I felt that it was quite true.

So this weekend I resolved to write down a history of all my sexual encounters over the past 10 years, starting at about 15, trying to make sense of all the fucked up shit that has happened to me and that I have brought upon myself in the mean time. I spent two days on it and ended up writing 45 pages handwritten. My hand is all cramped and sore now, and I filled up half of my brand new journal. No idea if it will be beneficial to me yet, but I feel that actually sitting down and allowing myself to think about it all for an actually sustained period of time, as opposed to in the form of fleeting thoughts that I push away whenever they come up, was probably a good thing. So thank you to the anon who suggested it.

I feel like I've lost any and all sexual impulse. I haven't looked at porn in months, not out of any self discipline but due to simply no desire. I was just browsing something and a porn ad popped up and I felt absolutely nothing. It was just flesh to me, no more sensual than the sight of my own hands. I've been seeing a girl recently and I can get it up enough to fuck her, but it's all instinct. I feel nothing sexual for her although she is a good looking woman. I don't feel very much of anything at all.

>Now, even when I make an outfit for myself, I wonder what other people will think. The truth is that I secretly love what seems to be my own individuality, and I hope I always will, but fully embodying it is another matter. I always want everyone to think I am a good girl. Whenever I am around a lot of people, it is amazing how obsequious I can be. I fib and chatter away, saying things I don't want to or mean in any way. I feel like it is to my advantage to do so. I hate it. I hope for a revolution in ethics and morals. Then, my obsequiousness and this need to plod through life according to others' expectations would simply dissolve. Oh.