/lit/ - Literature

Can I get some advice please /lit/?

>be me
>January 2017
>25 at the time
>live and work in a major city
>staying at in my home state for three weeks over Christmas holidays
>see a competition for writers under 35 and "based in" the state
>had a plan to get out of the city and return to that state within a few months
>wrote a story and submitted not thinking I'd win etc
>get an email two months later saying I'd won
>they put my photograph, name etc on the internet
>still figured I'd have moved back in time for the award ceremony a few months later
>also applied to study for a Masters so figured I'd be back
>I fail to quit by that time and masters idea didn't work out
>ask my boss if I can work from home (in my home state) during that week instead so at least I still qualify in a technical sense
>receive the award and prize money
>feel fucking terrible ever since
>feel like a fraud who conned well-meaning people out of money and took advantage of their kindness
>I ended up not resigning (couldn't find a job in my home state and the Masters degree idea fell through) and moved back to the city soon after
>had an email earlier this week asking me to attend this year

I'm planning to email the organizer later on today to explain myself. Hopefully they will understand and not make a big deal out of it, but maybe they'll think I'm a sinister liar. The guilt is seriously heavy and has been all year.

Any advice?

April 27. Incapable of living with people, of speaking. Complete immersion in myself, thinking of myself. Apathetic, witless, fearful. I have nothing to say to anyone - never.

Can I get some advice please?

I fear I have done something terrible and that I can't redeem myself.

>be me, 25 (at the time)
>January 2017
>live and work in a major city
>staying at in my home state for three weeks over Christmas holidays
>see a competition for writers under 35 and "based in" the state
>had a plan to get out of the city and return to that state within a few months
>wrote a story and submitted not thinking I'd win etc
>get an email two months later saying I'd won
>they put my photograph, name etc on the internet
>still figured I'd have moved back in time for the award ceremony a few months later
>also applied to study for a Masters so figured I'd be back
>I fail to quit by that time and masters idea didn't work out
>ask my boss if I can work from home (in my home state) during that week instead so at least I still qualify in a technical sense
>receive the award and prize money
>feel fucking terrible ever since
>feel like a fraud who conned well-meaning people out of money and took advantage of their kindness
>I ended up not resigning (couldn't find a job in my home state and the Masters degree idea fell through) and moved back to the city soon after
>asked to attend this year also to hand over the prize to the next winner

So my plan at the moment is to write out a cheque and explain to the organizer that I was working from home at the time of the award but that I ended up moving back to the city afterwards. Hopefully they will understand and not make a big deal out of it, but maybe they'll think I'm a sinister liar. But I still feel like my "soul" or existence is tarnished. I honestly feel like ending my life over this, since my goodness and honesty has always been the one thing I could fall back on even if I had no friends, wealth, charisma etc. I feel like I'm no longer on of the "good guys" and have joined the liars, frauds, conmen etc with no prospect of making up for things.

What should I do?

Is the Latin term "curriculum vitae" necessarily tied to the notion of a "work history" or does it in its literal sense just mean "the course of one's life" or "life history"?