/lit/ - Literature

>>21729431
For one thing, you need to put dialog on new lines each time it switches between speakers. And you should only put the speaker's actions next to the quoted dialog, because the reader will interpret them as tags.

> "Words words words," said Alice.
> "Blah blah blah." Bob does some action. "Blah blah."
> "Insults."
> Bob Gestures. "Stuff stuff stuff!" Bob makes a face and does a thing.

See how it's easy to tell who's talking?

As to your original question, It seems a little dry. There are some rough edges. But it's too short to really judge the quality.

https://pastebin.com/913bCddh

>>21351819
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXAcA_y3l6M

He's not a great writer, but he thinks more about magic systems than most.