/lit/ - Literature

Travelled to work the railroad. I am so separate from everyone. I can't keep a conversation. Older brother is here. He has helped me out, and yet I am still so lonely. I feel islands apart from everyone. The people are nice and funny, but you really do feel like such a goblin-man when nobody talks to you. I tried to talk to people and be friends and not be clingy or desperate about it, but I suppose I still need a personality. I don't know. They talk about work, women, drugs and bars, and I don't do any of that. I am new here, so I don't have any anecdotes of my days on the track yet. What do I even talk about? Why did I come here? I suppose because of that day when I felt that deep dread within my heart from realizing that I haven't done anything with my life. Walking up and down the hall and dashing my fist against the wall so I could feel something or give myself an impetus. I needed to work and make money and find a gf and afford my hobbies and live life, and I couldn't do any of that reading and mastubating all day. At the hotel right now, was pacing around my room listening to Spirits by Strumbellas and Come True by khai dreams and contemplating suicide again. It doesn't scare me. Maybe that's why I'm not normal. Are normal people afraid of that? I wish I could die during those minutes of downtime when everyone is talking amongst themselves, and I am left staring at nothing and fidgeting about waiting to get briefed in to work. Going outside and buying groceries is sorta odd since some white people just stare at you like if they never heard of or seen a hispanic before. That's nothing serious however. I gave up on socializing or trying not to seem like a loner. "I get to do this." is what the dude who drove me from the airport to the hotel told me he says to himself when he questions himself. I've been saying that to myself alot lately. I really wish my life were so easy that I could just cry about it. I really wish the work was the hardest part of my day, and I really wish showing up for another 10-14 hours of work after getting 6 hours of sleep was as well. I really wish the hardest part of my day was not trying to talk to people and have them talk to me and relate. They don't know how hard it is to make it seem like it doesn't bother you. Sometimes people lose arms or legs and feel phantom movement in their phantom limbs. I sometimes feel phantom lumps in my throat and phantom tears in my eyes in the self that I lost. Yea, maybe that is why I am not scared of killing myself. Why do I keep going? What is my end-game? I really wish I wasn't this retardly determined. You're really gonna have to kill me God, Satan because I have always been alone but never this tired.