/lit/ - Literature

>>15292988
Yes this perfectly describes how I felt. Didn't know there was anyone else like me. Back then I would oscillate between total despair and strange insights and sometimes even a godlike feeling coming from total disconnection. At one moment a god and in the next a loathsome bug. Reality felt at times unreal. At that period my writing and studies flourished, even as I was wasting away. Often I'd wake up late at night overtaken with some strange energy, inspiration, and would write and write (disturbing my roommate who I'm positive hated me). There's a strange kind of self-satisfaction, perhaps even pride, and a different way of seeing the world around you that accompanies this state of extreme alienation and self-loathing. And you are also overtaken with constantly contradicting emotions; hope and despair, an intense sense of wonder to the world and in the next total disconnection, resignation and in the next an aggressive obstinate attitude against everyone and everything, constantly shifting philosophical attitudes. Idk it's hard to explain, & looking back now the feelings/thought seem strange, though they made sense at the time, and even had a kind of logic to them, suddenly there comes another time and your frame shifts and you look back at your past thoughts with confusion (Why did I think these things?)
>Truly the epitome of the christian monkish aesthetic.
It's funny that you say that I was a Catholic and a big reader of Dostoevsky back in high school (still am). The Christian ascetic mindset, with the constant emphasis on self-denial, can definitely exacerbate or accommodate a self-destructive attitude (not saying that's necessarily bad). I was also at the time (a college freshmen) reading Kafka, and there is probably no other author worse to fuel a sense of total alienation.