/lit/ - Literature

Well boys, I wrote this sci-fi short story a while back for a competition but didn't win jack shit. I personally thought it was a banger, please critique, I think the plot is good enough that i'll eventually want to expand it to a novel.
That said, this is essentially just a second draft I banged out in four days without any feedback or beta readers, would really appreciate people telling me what works and what doesn't work.
https://pastebin.com/fNkwhGAc