/lit/ - Literature

Attached: fantasyshit. It would be nice if I could find someone writing in the same genre.

>>14733690
If you're going to do a lot of dialog then you might as well post a screenshot, because it's impossible to read as text posts.
If you're interested in pedantry, here's some examples:
>when her dad screamed up
'Up' probably isn't the right word to use.
>The girl groaned, plopped herself up
'Plopped' isn't right either. Likely 'propped'.
>Glass splattered everywhere
Glass shatters. The contents inside of a glass may or may not splatter.
You've also got words that are unnecessarily complicated, to the detriment of reading the text.
>Dostoevskyian
>two exchanged an ephemeral meaningless glance
>with a subtle tentative laugh
>insouciant
>Acute inarticulable angst
Actually, it seems like there's a lot of small things like this that make it hard to read.
There's also things like these sentences, which make it like you're telling the characters how they should act, instead of narrating how they do act.
>Throughout this conversation, the father had gotten up and brought a plate of barbeque chicken over to the kitchen table. He placed it down and the girls and him took turns putting some on there plate.
>Throughout this brief argument that father remained seated with his face in his palms in extreme vexation and suddenly in a consuming, building, manifesting rage, the father took one step up, picked up his glass of water and smashed it on the floor.
>Immediately, after seeing the result of the thrown glass the father sat back down and placed his hands on his temples.
This following line is a big offender, especially because it doesn't make a lot of sense. Being a 'playful punch' that 'would do very little damage' is inconsistent with what happens before it and what happens after it, seeing as how it escalated the fight.
>“Shut up,” ginger annoyed by his sarcastic tone slammed her fist against the table, while Amelia looked on. It was playful punch; it would do very little damage and wasn’t very loud.
You said you were bad with tense and grammar, so I would deal with that first before even thinking about word choice and phrasing.