/lit/ - Literature

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? YOU KNOW I JERKED OFF ALL DAY AND FELL ASLEEP AT 5PM AND YOU KNOW I'M JUST WAKING UP AND ALREADY JERKING OFF AGAIN

I CAN'T READ!!!!!!!!!!!!

>BE INDOMITABLE SUPERMAN CONQUEROR
>GIVE ROME EVERYTHING
>ASK FROM IT NOTHING IN RETURN
>MOLLIFY THE PLEBS AFTER A CENTURY OF OLIGARCHY-FUELED STAGNANT MURDEROUS CHAOS
>DESTROY ALL WOULD-BE TYRANTS
>DEFUSE THE CRISIS OF PRIVATE ARMIES RUN AMOK BY WILLFULLY DEFEATING ALL OTHERS AND THEN TURNING MINE BACK OVER TO THE STATE LIKE THE LITERAL FUCKING MODEL OF CINCINNATUS
>STRENGTHEN ROME'S BORDERS AGAIN
>DEFEAT ALL ROME'S ANCIENT ENEMIES AFTER CENTURIES OF LIVING IN TERROR OF THEM
>SPARE ALL THE ENEMIES I MADE A LONG THE WAY
>WELCOME ALL BACK INTO MY FRIENDSHIP
>INAUGURATE PAX ROMANA
>ALL I WANT IS SOME KIND OF COOL TITLE LIKE "AUGUSTUS" OR SOME KIND OF SPECIAL HAT FOR BEING THE BEST ROMAN
>NEVER EMBARRASSINGLY OUTRIGHT ASK FOR SHIT, ,LIKE THOSE FAGGOTS POMPEY "THE GREAT" OR SULLA "RESTITUTOR"
>ALL I WANT IS ONE COOL-ASS NAME AND A NICE STATUE
>FUCKING OLIGARCHS STILL WON'T GIVE ME ONE
>START PLANNING ALEXANDER 2: THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL
>GOING TO GO DEFEAT ROME'S ONLY REMAINING GIANT ENEMY LEFT IN THE WORLD
>GOING TO ESTABLISH ROME AS THE CONQUEROR OF LITERALLY THE ENTIRE PLANET JUST SO THAT THEY'LL GIVE ME A CROWN
>GOING TO UNDERTAKE THE GREATEST UNDERTAKING IN HUMAN HISTORY, AN ALEXANDER LEVEL SUPERHUMAN DEMIGOD CONQUERING THE ENTIRE GLOBE WHILE BACKED BY THE GREATEST PROFESSIONAL ARMY AND GREATEST ADMINISTRATIVE EMPIRE EVER TO EXIST
>COULD HAVE MADE ROME A COLOSSUS STANDING ASTRIDE EURASIA
>FUCKING OLIGARCHS STAB ME 296 TIMES SO I CAN'T EVEN HAVE A GOOD FUNERAL
>LET MY ADOPTED SON DO A LESSER VERSION OF WHAT I ALREADY DID ANYWAY
>GIVE HIM ALL THE FANCY TITLES
>GIVE HIM THE FANCY HAT
>HE DOESN'T EVEN CONQUER THE WORLD

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT CAESAR WHY DIDN'T YOU WIPE THOSE SMUG OPTIMATE FUCKS OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH WHEN YOU HAD A CHANCE YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE SULLA OR SOME GOLDEN CODPIECE PENCIL-DICK LIKE CRASSUS AND PROSCRIBE EVERYONE YOU COULD HAVE JUST SMASHED YOUR MOST OBVIOUS MOST TREACHEROUS ENEMIES AND NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED AND WE'D BE ON FUCKING MARS RIGHT NOW EXPLORING THE GALAXY

INSTEAD WE GOT TIBERIUS, CALIGULA, AND NERO ONE AFTER THE OTHER THANKS TO THE "UMMMM I DUNNO JUST.. ERM.. HAHA I DUNNO I'M SURE IT'LL BE OKAY LOL HAHA" SUCCESSION POLICY OF THAT DO-NOTHING KEKOLD BROWBEATEN FAGGOT AUGUSTUS WHO COULDN'T EVEN CONQUER A GODDAMN GERMAN AFTER YOU WENT AND SINGLEHANDEDLY GENOCIDED THE GAULS