/lit/ - Literature

Check it check it check it: https://notters.substack.com/p/for-our-rains-shall-be-held

>>23023152
A bit of what >>23024819 said, I think this would benefit well from omitting those clauses and complements that expound on ideas in the text too explicitly
>...made worse by their ambiguity...that is the source of my own fear
can be removed, maybe in favour of highlighting the guy's anxious observation of Ben more
>...as if their choice has locked them...they didn't want.
can also be removed. You can afford to be a bit more ambiguous, you've already done so yourself — no clue if the preschoolers under June 19 are actual characters in the story, but I really liked how you inserted supplementary ideas in their paragraph without giving the reader a direct answer to how it fits in with the rest of the writing. Really good considering the main character seems to be struggling with unclear goals

>>23024415
Flows nicely, but I think you can leave out "A few minutes later" and instead describe the whole scene leading up to his rest a bit more. Would prob add more urgency to everything

>>23025306
This is really nice, the fuck. My only minuscule complaint would be to fix the punctuation before "...his little vixen..."
>turns into a poem when the chick starts to dance
Too /lit/ for this board

>>23025981
Please send a link

>>23026095
The pacing's a bit off because of the language you're using. Elias is supposed to be going on no sleep in complete confusion, the EMT's pissed off, but there are a number of words and passages here that cut into this frantic scene and reduce the effects of it all
>Even more confused now
>which was followed by a loud, don't-bother-me sigh
>sensing that the questions weren't going to stop
>dropped any pretensions of professionalism
>who were there
>because he promptly resumed speaking like a normal person
>filled with indignation
>mourning the death of his brother
can all be removed without being detrimental to the story or its characters. If Elias is perceptive enough that he's able to pick up on these little details, you balanced that trait with the overall narrative pretty well here:
>As he was leaving, Elias could hear more numbers, bigger numbers, that grew quieter until they simply stopped
It strikes the perfect tone while giving credence not only to Elias, but to the EMT as well in terms of character writing. Another example is this one:
>The unexpected exit of the EMT forced him to confront what he was trying to avoid this entire time
Not quite as strong, but it still describes both men rather well. Also, if you were to remove all reference to mourning his bro prior to this line, it would have better standing per its merits to his character.