/lit/ - Literature

>>7026058
These sentences are ridiculously clunky and fragmentary Try reading your work aloud, it just doesn't roll off the tongue
Obviously this is a small excerpt but you have failed to clarify to me the setting, the characters or the plot but have foolishly tried to do all of these in a short space. All that you relay is that these people are soldiers, not what they are like or who the are (Apart from the mumbling upturned collar guy who is meant to be a little insane i gather??)
Your sentences often read like you've tried too hard to arrange a deviation from cliche ("We laid against the bases of pine" for instance) but this hurts your writing, makes it clunky, a more natural flow of words would work better.

>>7024037
Horrible this knowingly insincere stuff isn't how people talk or think and hasn't been an interesting literary technique since the 80's

>>7023755
Who the fuck cares what you think about the role of the artist
That is a theoretical question with a huge pre-existing bulk of work did you seriously intend to add something new. write from experience, this is barren because it's attempting to encompass something huge and obviously outside of yourself

>>7023820
>nevermind
>lost in a labyrinth
>fuck!
These are corny cliches that dull the impact of those sections which do work such as
>your baby bush will sup it up
Remove "as such" from that sentence. A lot of this contains neat phrasing but you consistently drown it out by using too many words
Also what kind of writing do you want this to be - using words like "abstraction" and "xylem" do not flow naturally from the rest and stick out like sore thumbs

>>7021650
Parts of this read like actual overheard conversation. These are the best parts and it's a really interesting idea. There are ways which enable you to convey a conversational style more fully. If you look into Conversation analysis and Discourse analysis and look at how those transcripts are written I think it will really help.

>>7021581
The first two paragraphs in this are vague and cliche and do not convey a clear sense of mood or meaning.

But the third paragraph really flourishes. The small motion "touching shoulders" is perfect for the detached asocial vibe. The whole "Evelyn growing into her moon-face" thing is really on point, feels honest and earned from experience. This however:
>worth falling for if i needed to
Feels practiced and disingenuous. It breaks the staid air between the characters by positioning narrator in a position of potential power or manipulation over his feelings. It also suggests that Evelyn is simply "there" to be fallen for, depriving her of agency which breaks the very empathetic moon-face dialogue which I love.