/lit/ - Literature

Stream of attentionwhoring consciousness incoming...

I can't take it anymore. I want to say "I want to die," yet if so, why am I still living? I don't think I understand my own actions or thoughts anymore. I don't know if I am right or wrong, if I am ill or well, I don't know if I want to live or die, save or kill. I am completely lost.
I told myself that I would get a DNR and from there allow God to decide whether I should go through with my grandiose plans or die from my condition. I got rejected. I went through the rest of the day absolutely unphased, talking to family and posting ebin memes, but internally I am breaking down. The DNR became a sort of focal point for my entire life; it is rather absurd, but for some reason it gave me an inner calmness. It made me feel as though all of my decisions had already been made for me.
I am a dangerous person. I don't like it. I just want to feel normal bros... I just want to see other people smile. I want to hear them laugh and not hear, simultaneously, (if I am to be so edgily dramatic,) the screams of the suffering. I know I'm not perfect, not good, not okay, not fine. I know I am bad, evil, disgusting, reprehensible. I know I have responsibility for my actions, and that my deplorable condition is a result of my poor choices and willing malfeasance.

I don't blame normals for what they do. It is easy to look down on them for being so wrong about so much. They accept easily disproven rhetoric as fact without so much as a thought of resistance, but look what happens to someone when they don't- they become utterly alienated. The average normal isn't stupid or irrational- they know that if they accept that society is lying about almost everything, that the media is purely propaganda, and almost all academic scholarship is falsified, their world will crumble. They refuse to look into the abyss, becausr they don't want it to corrupt them.

Am I to blame them? Bros... I just don't feel so good...

>>21543467
I had a sudden realization. At around 10 years old I started to become extremely verbally abusive towards my siblings. Every time I finished raging I would go somewhere private and nearly get to tears with shame and regret for what I had done. I knew I was wrong while doing it, and I knew I was wrong afterwards. At around 13-14 I realized my rage was growing rapidly and I would soon be unable to control it, and made a conscious effort not to ever verbally, emotionally, or physically(luckily never did this, but I started thinking about it near the end) harm family. (My family noticed and started relentlessly embarrassing me with comments such as "Wow you're so sweet now!" and "You changed so much!")
Starting around 16 tensions in my family were high because of other reasons and my rage started growing out of control. After my father threatened to kill me with a knife once and a gun another time, I planned to commit patricide and suicide, double homicide and suicide, etc. I hated what I was becoming and cried nightly wishing I were normal. I resolved again not to become a piece of shit again and also to commit suicide (for unrelated reasons, but also because I felt like a monster). Long story short a bunch of shit happened, I ended up in psych, and now I'm here. (psych made things much worse, unrelated though)
I wanted to apologize to my family for being abusive towards them, but I could never bring myself to do it. I felt like the reason must have been pride or arrogance and it made me feel like even more of a piece of shit, but that never seemed quite right. While lying in bed just now, I realized the real reason I never wanted to confess. I am fucking terrified of opening myself up. I don't want them to think I'm emotional about any of this, or that I care about them, or any other thing.

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